Tuesday, December 18, 2012

I have Faith in God.

outloud - I have Faith in God

I have Faith in God

words - think - feel - decision - actions - character

I have Faith in God

dis ease causes disease

I have Faith in God



I will f**kin strangle you is all I hear in my mind. Strangle you till you bleed from your eyes and all you see is the blood of death. Til your lights snuffed out and the black darkness envelopes you. But you, you wait for death patiently, don't you? So that path is light for you. Too easy. The easiest way out for you. The cheapest answer to your pain. So I'll envelope you with darkness in life. You will only walk with only candle light at your feet, willing to still move? Are you. ANSWER ME. NOW. Where will you go? I will make each step you take a step into the darkness, you will only move by what you perceive as Faith. And that is the only way you will be able to keep going. Like the hollows of earth you will feel like you are in the belly of a cave. Swallowed whole. Your path will be littered and shattered. Not like the roads you take by day but like the cold dark thick of the forest at night.

My stomach drops like gravity worked differently. And I feel so empty its echoes.
silence so quiet i pray
in these times please someone help me. but that someone doesnt exist. And I'm taught again.
stop looking for someone. Someone cant help you. Your broken beyond repair. And noone can love you.


why have you abandoned me here.

But I am not alone.

You are sick. Dying on the outside and inside. fragile shell you are. And you feed that body? Are you feeding your soul. Your spirit is awakening. And seeking healing. The darkness will not hide the truth but you must seek. Just because your body dies doesn't give you the right to kill your spirit. Nourish. Seek. Bleed. Tears.
You will only find what you seek. You will not stumble on this.
Seek

Friday, December 14, 2012

Pray3R is vital. For me. My breed. Vitality comes from and through Pray3R.

Prayer Warrior

In Training. To be focused on God every moment of my day. Praying all day
I want to be. A Prayer Warrior
I give God my first thoughts, my last thoughts and all there in between.
We are a different breed. A breed whose vitality comes only through the Lord our God
We know God
The power is UNdeniable. The way the Lord changed my heart, my thoughts, my life.

bLu3S

amazing soulsp3ak






Th3 Struggl3


Please Lord God help me when I struggl3 in my Faith. When I stumble and fall. When I am weakest you then can make me my strongest. Please Lord God never give up on me. And stay closest to me when I am me and distanced from You God. Please Lord. I need You. I barely breathe without. And let me have the power to understand I am Loved by You and worthy of your Grace.
Amen.




3 is a Magikal numbah. Its Truth. And amazing. I love the numbah 3








 

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

writings to writings

From my Rock 1053 website Blog....

"Daunting is when Fear aquires a foothold" - Lou II
In a nation where alcohol is glorified as the giver of good times, but its truth is more accurately revealed in the murdered relationships and families it has left in ruins. Where tobacco has created a new caste system in a quote unquote Free country. Where a plant causes more prison time than domestic abuse. Land of the Freed minds and Home of the Brave Hearts. Where courage is bullying the bullies. And parenting is [treating little kids like adults and adults like little kids] allowing your young toddler children to make adult choices encouraging them that they are their own people, and allowing your adult children to move back home encouraging them that when times get tough come move home where your parents can take care of you. What you tell yourself is what you teach your kids. Where the government favors banks and wall street over people and liberties. DOES ANYBODY ELSE FEEL WE ARE ALL LACKING GUIDANCE??? A MENTOR TO OUR MORALS. I desperately seek a mentor at times, these times correspond with when I miss my father the most. EVEN CAPITAL HILL NEEDS GUIDANCE. A MORALITY CHECK. Where political campaigns are can be depicted as a fued between popular girls in high school, And of which we would never [or at least hard working parents] want to subject our children to. Where the power is STILL in the people, but those people are consumed with the consumption of Apple's next newest edition. When people weigh self worth in anorexic measurements. Where Faith is placed in the laps of men and scoffed at when their Faith fails them, only to be reborn as distrust. Where everybody is mostly yourself. And they are suspect. We lost the Grindstone. And handed over craftsmanship. Education depreciates as tuition raises inflate because learning > earning. But you couldnt afford to learn what that sign means. Our lives are price-tagged by our health and collectively it's tough to collect. This country's dreams have become asthmatic. We gasp every time someone somewhere somehow gets offended. Let Go. Malicious intent must be rooted out but offense taken is giving oneself more importance than needed. Laughter is a discipline of Love. Lets not use it to hurt. And in that same breath lets allow ourselves to laugh.
Let's learn to Let Go. Seek Help. Take Advice. Give Love. Lets start today. It all begins at home. Build a nation of warriors who seek Love Hope and Faith



Moments become overwhelmingly sad. But what doesnt completely detroy me allows me to build myself back up stronger with a deeper knowledge of self
... life in death, the mourning and grieving proccess, our self-worth, lifes introspectives outrospectives retrospectives, finality, and surreal moment.
Minds eye experiencing existence.
We in our own personal human form, the shells of the bodies our spirits remain til death, only receive this one life to live. And I mean more depth to the statement but find troubling the words to express the sentiment. Surrealism
Gravity enforces laws upon everything but the spirit.
Soar
Enlighten
Seek
Acknowledge
Pray
Examination of self is the Genesis


How beautiful it is. God's Grace. Take a moment today to reflect and remind yourself that God has given His Grace to you! Are you accepting of it or ignoring it. God is knocking on the door or your heart, will you answer
Forgive me Lord. Continually renew my heart, Faith, & Love Only through You God is this possible
And continually forgive me of my pride my sin and myself. Renew me Lord like only You can. You are miraculous







Vision like children [without our intellect and lifes weathered-ness hinder] seeing things at face value
"Intellect inhibits listening" - Me.
"Thoughts intervene hearing what others say when provoked" - Me.




God
Feels like its been a while. Its hard to explain because I ve been speaking to you. And I know you listen but its been a while since you spoke to me. And I ve learned that usually when people think they feel God far away its not God but its themselves who have pulled away. And maybe that is the case but Lord, you know, You know I ve been asking for your guidance this entire time. I cant go one day or even one moment without you. And you know I know this. REMOVE ME to make room for YOU. And I know when we connect things become so clear. I dont know if like a father accompanying his son through his first steps you are beginning to let go of my hands and telling me to take these steps on my own. But I dont believe I can without you. I ve only proven to myself that without you I fall. And far. And even if I fall with you close by, at least I have peace and Love.
Please God. Have mercy on my life.
I submit
What do you need me to do God. Show me. Do I need to walk across fire. Do you need me to leap from a height into the unknown. I humbly ask you God what do you NEED me to do. What lessons and tests do you need me to learn and take. Do you need me to continue through the darkness. You, and only YOU, understand the trials I faced over this decade. And if You need me to face a decade more, for You I will. And I ask nothing in return. I just need to be close to you God
Please allow closeness
_______________,
I'm sorry. I sometimes let my pain be felt by others. And when I let it hurt you is when life stops for me. And I am not able to continue on until you know how sorry I am. I ache for the pain I caused you. I'm human and flawed, and even more, I'm damaged. And it pains my heart to know I hurt your heart. Please love me through these times of my weakness. I am a work in progress and I have been since the day I was born and I will be until the day I die. And I recognize the error of my ways and I know that is the beginning to becoming better. Know I'm sorry. And its hard to promise hurt feeling with never happen again but what I can promise is I will always be accountable for my actions and seek forgiveness when I am wrong. It's important for me to be able to look you eye to eye and say these words, and I want to do that. I'm not able to at this time so I write this from the deepest parts of my soul, because that is where I hurt when I hurt you.
Humbly I seek forgiveness.
I fear nothing because God told me not to fear.
Love will conquer all.
Show me in ways I understand I am in Your will
But I ask God please allow me the wisdom to know the difference. I will continually seek you. And seek Your will and my heart follows You. Well, I guess I dont need to understand. I just need to trust You.
God please
please God
Stepping out into Faith is NOT easy. Its a struggle. Its not easy. But I cant find faith in humanity or things or myself. I need God. God will make me balance
I go so far. And Forever seeps in. Eternity muzzles
Facing myself. And all I embody. Wanting to loose myself. Leave my human-ness behind and walk into the light.
If Faith was easy, everyone would Believe.
I want to kill the humanity [humanness] in me. release myself from my prison of feelings.
And I apologize to you, whoever is reading this. Because my intention has and always will be to inspire wh3n you come to this blog. But my mind is poisoned in this moment. Forgive me as I struggle to move beyond this
Show Love today, have compassion for yourself which will lead you to give compassion to others.
Love someone out of Love


Sometimes I hate my face. I see all I have been. Instead of seeing all I have become. It's a mindset. I see that too. My dad always spoke to me about this, he say it's all about attitude. Still True. Just harder to hear from myself






Lord Forgive me of my sins. And fill me with your Holy Spirit. Allow me to KNOW your Grace. I need you Lord.
Am I in your Will, God?
Why do we fall?

Talk to God. Speak to God. All Day. Everyday. God listens. I'm a junkie in withdrawal everyday of my life. learning to live again, removing myself and living with the Lord God in my heart.
This blog. This is my public journal. I dont know what will happen to this blog one day long from now but I need to document my daily thoughts. Hurt is part of life and we are all humans and we all hurt.
Unknown ~ "Reflection is the inner calm that produces peace"
Self reflection is simply an observation of one's self with minimal judgement.

I stand in self reflection. Silent staring beyond space. I'm not allowed to escape my mind so deep thoughts keep me in self reflection. Some reaffirm and some harbor the ship of sadness. Provoking Forgiveness Mercy Grace Peace and Love. But afflicting nonetheless. Hope lives there too. She is the siren out laying on the rocks purging themselves from the vast ocean of water. Simply put - she's alluring.


Friday, November 9, 2012

Art[inWord]Form

Isaiah 40:31

A great man is always willing to be little. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I like writing.. Art form taken in Words. 

I've been broken.. you've been torn out..
I've been waiting fighting this storm out
I'm good for nothing if I'm nothing good
poverty stricken soul aestheticly unaware like projects in the hood

Try not to abolish me from your ways, sit and ponder while you radiate
Fix on me fixing to fixate on you
Haunt me while thoughts dialate
Waiting time just to relate 
mystery surrounding you
anomaly in my haste
a brush fire in the heart land my soul
slash and burn everything I once knew so I now know.. new
brand new like sunrise, waking eyes, bright lights, shine. Glisten
I listen. soft hearts rock hard. Roll out for you.


 

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Rebel

Rebel against corrupt.
Rebel against immorality.
Rebel against evil.
I used to rebel against the good.
Given new eyes I saw the pain I caused. And I rebel against the hurt.
Rebel
Find lines in fine lines.
Rebellion.
Rebell I on
Things done changed and if I'm not changing my ways are tamed
Rebell I on
Locked loaded sharp as a bullet my truth takes form
Rebell I on
strapped for cash broken back talk back gets smacked I'm far from norm
Rebell I on
Rebel at heart the Genesis of my start my cause has nevah & always been the same.
Rebel.

Monday, October 29, 2012

m1dn1ght s01L

Instinctually I knew the moon
dressed arrival in her midnight tomb
tethered to the oceans womb
vitality accordingly sought attune
indigenous paupers of the soil
luminous in the valley of midnight oil
author of seasons; only acknowledging the Most High royal
I witness her glory; the midnight sun; lustrous & radiant amidst where darkness toils
-LouII


Thursday, October 25, 2012

Death would be easy

Death would be the easy way out. Not hafta face anyone or anything in this life. Especially myself. My truth. The truth I perceive of the ways things feel. Death would be easy. Life is the road less taken. Truly, truthfully, painfully honest, and exposed living is facing fear eye to eye, toe to toe, and standing in the face of all that we perceive of ourself.

Am I just fahkt in this life. I've been taught by God Himself to not jsut thank Him and be thankful in the good times.. But in these trying, stressful, arduous times. And I say Thanks be to God for this. I will take your test and if I fail reprimand me. I know myself well enough to understand that sometimes I unwillingly force myself to learn the hahhhd way. I'm not wise enough yet, or will I eva be *is what my self doubt says*.

And when I love. I love with no regret. Love will neva be a regret of mine. But am I destined to loose love more this way. Am I just fahkt.

Does this stop with death. I'm afraid not. Especially if the choices I make here and now, in this life, on this earth, fail God.

I'm so sad that through the stress of this all... I can not and neva will be able to call my parents. I force myself to turn to God. I went from a man who turned to drugs and the bottle now turning to the bible. God is the only one who can fully understand the depths of my pain. So why not turn to the one who needs no back story... needs no explanations... just needs you.

Are we still Warriors on these days. I dont know. I'd hope to think so. But hope is so hahhhd to find around here in these pahhhts. And I answer my own question when I look in His word.

Struggle. A weird word. So simple. Two syllables. Yet such power

Faith. and even more basic word yet so complex. With the most power of any word eva. Yet so tough to understand

Monday, October 1, 2012



This.... This is what I wish I could do... Lyrically wise....

So so Dope. I want to write like this.... I have poetry reminiscent of this.


my brother introduced me to Atmosphere. Changed my life - I didnt know this existed. I love finding out things that I thought did not exist or were extinct - really do exist... it gives me Hope.
Never compromise your self morals for anything or anyone. The people who love you.. will love you for those qualities. And if you find your surrounded by those who want to change that about you.. you maybe want to rethink your inner circle. Just my opinion - take its value for what it costs

From my devotionals this morning - God is absolutely just. He loves, and He forgives, but He does not compromise His righteousness. God deals with us uniquely.
And from my otha - If you dont find what your doing a labor of love, try changing your attitude. Or try changing your circumstances.

Like my woman... I didnt think a person like her existed.. someone who is morally built on such a solid foundation of character. She has a deep understanding of who she is.. it's so real & honest. It is something that takes years of life experience to develop and figure out. But she gets it.. She is a beautiful woman.. one of the most beautiful women I've eva met.. But what I find most attractive about her is not her looks(although its definitly 1A).. it's deeper than that.. it's her strong character.. the make-up of her mind.. her personality and her understanding of who she is and her wants.. this life is tough and exterior forces constantly try to influence who we are as people and what our goals should be - so to find someone who does not let these things alter their morality.. or affect the person they are and the confidence in who they are... is such a rarity I feel. She has this savvy sexiness about her.. she has this artistic canny witt. She has this innate ability to understand me. I'm wicked fortunate & extremely blessed to have this woman in my life. Loyal to a fault is my drug.
I've had this goal in my life... kinda sat in the background of my mind.. I dont like to talk about it because I feel like its a wicked feminine quality.. Its a goal of having my own family. Becoming this rad husband & father. I want to create this stellar home and I feel this native longing inside to be the patriarch and protector for my home and my family. I think it stems my life. And my lessons learned in the importance of family. Loosing my parents has made it ring louder and louder, bringing it to the surface.. But the weird thing is.. I thought I would never find this. I thought there was no one compatible for me afta going through some many relationships and never getting that feeling of there being "the one".
Okay this is getting too personal and I am going to cut myself off......
I dont know why I share this stuff.. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.
I think what I was trying to say was that I believe we all kinda would like to think that there is someone out there that we are meant to spend our life with. Someone who has our back through thick and thin always by our side.

I tend to sometimes relate my life (And I know this sounds weird) to Good Will Hunting. I love that movie so much and I feel like its written from real life. The moments and relationships it captures are so detail-ly accurate, it speaks to me. And I tend to relate to have those life moments. Or those type of moments that captures the passion of life... I know its a movie but it translates these universal human truths and emotions so well.
I had this amazing discussion with my Aunt last night. My Mums sister can speak to me and I hear my mum. It's so nice having the feeling that someone is in your corner unconditionally. I have that with her. Sometimes I dont feel like I deserve it and its hard for me to understand why I am so fortunate to have that.. But I am working on just trust, trusting it. I totally understand it though because that is how I am with my family members. Unconditionally in their corner.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Ins0mn1a

I was not going to share this.. But then I realized I dont want to care what people think.. And this is how (I believe) you break yourself of the self-conscienceness.. I will put myself out there.. Vunerable for all to witness
Maybe this speaks to you. I wrote this last night in anotha of my bout of insomnia. My mum has passed away but I still speak to her. She was an avid writer and I believe this is her energy speaking through me.



Pray let his go
Pray let Him know
The pain we all go through
Pray

I feel like I may have an issue with taking on he hurt and sorrowful suffering of others. I can't sleep. My thoughts are wild with care. I lack the ability to down shift the gears of my mind.

Courtship of love is not for the faint o heart. Only determination thrives, like theives in the night. She comes to take ur heart, stolen, along with a certain amount of absolution and good sense. Wild. The heart tastes its reign like a young king on the brink of victory, sieging the castle of mind body and soul, a tyrant ruler. Unlike good conscience, wisdom has no place here, this is a vast desert of butterflies. Which rules the feeling of emotional uncontrol. Desperately seeking sanctuary in reciprocation. The feelings mutual. But unknowing is more like certain death. The king and queen of disillusion. Where the heart reigns. Solitary confinement. to each Otha. Verbal contributions ending in physical connections. Her touch is magnetic. And forevahh imprinting upon ur soul.
Distinct each time, distant each more

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Reason

I began re-visiting the question I rarely ask myself - "Why/what is my reason for my relationship with God?" 
Is it to be saved.... to get into heaven... to become a better person than I was yesterday.... to become a man who leads by example.... to be a light in a dark world.... to be/find Hope.... to save myself from myself.... to feel the unprecedented overwhelming comfort of Faith.... to grow intellegently/spiritually/positively... to gain wisdom.... to test myself in the field of trust...... to calm myself.... to help myself.... to help others... to Hope for others..... to know Love, doubt love and reconfirm love..... to overstand all while equally realizing I actually under-stand not at all....
There are so many answers that I explore

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Only God Can Judge Me Now

Only God can judge me
We all waver in our faith at times. I have so many faults its intimidating to think about. And I think about when I witness others wavering in their faith, how is my reaction? Am I quick to pass judgement or am I ready and willing to be compassionate and be a leading example of mercy.
Yesterday was a breaking point for me. It's been a tough year but more over a trying week. My cable has been shut off twice, my water has been shut off once, and these are trivial things compared to my overall year, when I lost my mother. But I am the one responsible for keeping these things running in our household. And then on top of these things a few other things happened yesterday and I felt a break in myself. A lost moment where I didnt do what I usually do and take a step back, think things over, and readdress the situation when I am composed - but instead I broke down and not in a crying way but my anger at the world was beyond me. And the most disappointing part of my loosing it and lashing out by myself to the world, was that I did not go to God first. I am constantly trying to stop in the middle of anything of importance, meaning, or even the little things to pray and ask God for help and guidance. But I was wicked enraged at the world and felt like it had turned on me so I lashed my tongue cursing everything in my path. Yes, it is embarassing for me to admit this. And I am ashamed of the way I handled myself. I handled myself out of anger and despair. When all I needed to do was TRUST in God. And after my 15 minutes of rage (thank God I have a heavy bag at my house), I didnt feel better, I felt more lost. And it was then I realized, that I needed to bring my baggage to the Lord. For then and only then, will I find my peace of mind knowing He will always give me what I can handle and never leave me.
We all have moments of lost-ness. Where we loose ourselves among the world and how dark a place it can be.... But what do we do at that moment? Do we give it up to God? I didnt and I regretted it IMMEDIATELY. And the funny thing is, that all week with the little things I had been stopping to pray and ask God to get me through it. THEN, when the BIG stuff hit, I lost focus. I had not demonstrated what I had been practicing. It's like getting to the big game and forgetting everything you did in practice.
Now where do I go from here. Well, the reason I am revealing this embarassment on my blog is because I pray that I learn a lesson from this. I truly believe that if we do not grow as people then we negate the greatest part of our existence. These are character builders. I want to take something away from this experience that I can have in my arsenal of life experience. I need not look to anything but God in my trying times. And I will focus on his bright light to guide me through the dark days. The moment the storm hits, I will take hold of my rock the Lord.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Robs Reasons to Plant A Garden

Plant a Garden

Robs Reasons - to plant a garden...

Because it will calm you the F**K down. If you're anything like me, you get wound up and stressed throughout the day. Different exterior factors come into play like dealing with work, driving on the California highways, and old people out in public. BUT when you get home and drop all your baggage at the door like a kid home from school, and go into your sanctuary aka your garden, the stress fades away while you become focused on the miraculous plants you nuture and nurish to bring life to. You will slowly realize that your garden is your "zen" place. The place where the outside world does not get to you and weigh you down. Your garden becomes a stressfree zone and it even becomes a meditation zone, where you can go to pray and figure out the issues of the day. 

My next reason is that you become even more self sufficient when you bear fruit in your garden. Bring a garden full cycle from seed to fruit is an amazing proccess. It teaches your many things. One trait that is always appreciated especially nowadays is patience. A garden doesnt grow overnight. It takes time and a lot of caring to get from seed to fruit. But working diligently through the entire proccess makes a more devoted person (remember, practicing skills a little at a time makes the foundation stronger and more ready to learn them on a bigger scale). You have to devote yourself to giving life to the plants. And patience to watch them grow into flowers. You instill confidence in yourself getting your hands dirty while nuturing this garden. You find tiny accomplishments within each stage of the plant. It's a mighty reward when you can go out to your garden to pick food for dinner.

My next reason is that peace is found in nature. Wildlife will naturally migrate to your garden whether it come in the form of bees or hummingbirds. But after a while and when your garden becomes established, you will start to see more and more wildlife. It's calming to watch nature work and also gives us insight to how big and miraculous life is around. For me, I see God in nature. I see how perfectly designed our world is that when I go off to work in the morning, the birds and bees have their own routines which is of devine instinct for these creatures. Its awe inspiring to witness first hand. The bee collects pollen, the bird finds seed, all of these things it has been programed to do not through learning but through God. You will discover an inner peace when you witness first hand the greatness of our Lord God. Peace in Nature.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Last night was pretty cool. My brother and I went to the Padres Phillies game. We sat about 12 rows behind the Phillies bullpen and got to see former Red Sox closer, Jonathan Papelbon. Of course, Gabe and I were rockin' our Sox gear and of course, we HECKLED Pap as soon as he walked out to the pen. At one point, he gave us the "thumbs down" as we held our Sox hats up and pointed to my Red Sox on my jersey. It was hilarious and cool. I had a blast and that was one of those moments that Gabe and I will be able to talk about til we get old, saying "remember the time we heckled Pap and he gave us the thumbs down", haha brilliant.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Through this.

Through all of this, I've taken some, left others and hopefully given more.
Lessons Learned.
I've reached beyond my means, isolated within myself, and met mediocrity halfway there.
Learned Lessons.
I shared what I thought I knew, I cared for what I thought was right, and gave what I had to give.
Lessons Learned.
I kept all my guilt, built shoulders strong, longed for peace of mind, finding that you have to move on to forgive.
Learned Lessons.
And the fragility of life is a constant reminder that I keep forgetting to remember. I will be gone, I pray my essence will live on, within the hearts and minds of the ones I loved.
And in fear that nothing good will come of my time here, I move forward each day in progression, living the way I speak of in good care of life's successes - giving, loving, caring, laughing, living.
I will make my heart's love contagious, for all who know me, so when I am gone, this part of me will live on.
Lessons Learned.

LoYaLtY

Loyalty.
Its earned and gained through trials of self discipline.
Sacrifice of self, given a greater good
for humbly noting who you are by what you loyalize.
We've all lost it. But only few have truly lived it.
Love comes second to Loyalty
Not many can choose this path. I know, I have stumbled off the clearly marked trail myself.
But those who abide to return, it's a gift within itself.
Nothing can take, touch, shake, or steal this prowess.
Only yourself can destroy it.
Like a thief in the night, be prepared, because it will test your every stronghold.
Like energy, it will absolutely come back as hard as you deliver it.
So, Give it up for LoYaLtY, the self-sacrifice is well worth it.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

There are people

There are people we meet in life, who, for a loss of a better word.... just click.
These people, no matter the distance, the time, or anything that could come inbetween, have this impeccable ability to pick up a conversation with you after 10 years like it was just yesterday.
I consider myself one of the lucky ones.... because I have a few of these people in my life.
These are my boys, that I've known since I was little, who will forever be some of the greatest people I have ever known, and keep friendship with throughout the years.... And some of these relationships I'm talking is going on ovahhh 20 years.
These are my boys. For life. Till the MothaF*ckin Wheels Fall Off.


I love you guys. Know that

Have you evah.....

Felt so uncomfortable in your own skin, that the words "I dont belong here", u felt, spoke directly to your soul.
Given up on sleeping, because insomnia is such a frugal term for the thoughts that keep you alive in the night, and when you do pass out, your dreams are so vivid, they jolt you awake.
Had such angst for thoughts that you feel no one else thinks about..... or at least not thoughts regular people think...... dissecting life and its complexities, wishing, hoping, and even giving in breaking down and praying, for the pressure to alleviate.
Dined on moonlight and cigarettes, feeding the energies that compose the soul instead of evah caring for the simpleness of caring for our bodies.

thought pain meant pleasure.

confused someone you love, for someone you hate.

mixed emotions, to leave yourself at the altar of grief.

Considered giving up it all, to know the feeling of loss. Only to try and win it back.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

That G. Love show inspired me

No joke, going to see G. Love live and in person inspired me to the pinnacle peak of inspiration. He was so freakin good live. And it just inspired me. I used to play music, I say used to because I feel like ever since I "grew up" and really took to adult life, I kinda left my musical musings behind.... And that sucks. Because I used to sit out front of my dads house, on the porch with my boy and jamm out until the wee hours of the night..... We boozed hard, and jammed hard.... It was the ish. We would jam during the keg party's I threw, and entertain all our friends.... freestylin' jammin' and not givin' a F*****. It was the best. Hands Down, some of the greatest times of my life..... I'd get home from workin' construction all day, grab a 30 pack, and jamm the F out. And then as I got older, the jam sessions got less, and soon enough when I moved out West they faded completely away..... And it saddened me. And I found that the more time that passed, the harder it was to find my inner confidence to go out and jam again. I was scared. I lost the "Not Give A F****" attitude. I lost the music that lived in me. But G. Love struck a chord in my soul and last night for the first time in years, I broke out the harmonica, told my roommate to get his git-fiddle, and we started jammin' again..... And it felt good..... bettahhhh than good, it felt beautiful. I love music. I am a sensitive doood deep down and music speaks to my soul. I love the feeling you get from hearing a tune that speaks your language. A tune that tells the tale of the rhythm of your life. A feeling you can only get from...... music.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Drugs Make Me Sentimental

Seriously, they do, that is why I can' do them.

Ha ha....

Like, who the heck gets all sentimental while being junked out.

This guy

Pod Casting

Its the new thing.... Everyone and their mutha is doing it..... And I really greatly appreciate the way comedian Bill Burr does it. It comes correct.... funny, informative, offensive, yet wicked appealing. I was listening to his Monday morning Pod Cast on my run today and was wicked inspired to try and set up and create my own pod cast. Now, there is some work involved in this so I ain't getting all jittery as sh*t to get started. But with the correct YouTube videos, I am sure I can figure out how to do it.... and do it correct. I would just have to do it when I feel wicked passionate about something..... not just to talk..... I know people who do that, and it can be/it is wicked boring. I actually don't really enjoy the sound of my own voice, so you know if I am doing something like this on my own... well, the guy gotta be moved by the spirit being compelled to speak my piece.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Not the norm....

Dont get me wrong, I love football. But there is something about the one game playoff that gets me, if you have a bad day, game, or anything bad that specific day - you're done.
That is where I can really truly appreciate every other sports playoff system of the best of 3, 5, and 7 series. To me that seems to really show the better team. You have to win out a series, not one game. Where I look at the one game and say "Yes, it can decide the better team" BUT it also can display a great team having an off day. Where as when you play a series, that off day can be off-set by coming back out the next night and proving yourself. Now maybe you read this and say, guy you're just bitter that the Pats lost in the Super Bowl, cut the sh*t. In which I reply, Yes, heck yes I am wicked bitter. But I also appreciate a good series more than a do or die playoff game.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Anybody else.....

Hear the Elton John song "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" and think up sad montages about the Pats game in your mind....... No, no one else does..... Yeah then me neither

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

1 score and Four years ago......

I feel like this is deja-vu...... To feel so low and also feel so angry (that those bastard Giants fans can say that they beat us TWICE, not just once but TWICE now in the Super Bowl) is wicked heartbreaking.

Let me be WICKED CLEAR though - I ain't a fair weather fan, and although this loss SUCKS, I love my Patriots.... And even though we lost (as a team) I still wore my Pats t-shirt on Monday morning, as one last tribute to a great year, which was spoiled at the very end of the line. Man, this one hurts. Hurts wicked bad.......
I am embarrassed to admit this but it's been two days now - in a row - that I have woken up to nightmares about that game and all the missed opportunities..... my first thoughts were "is Tom Brady alright?!?!?!", wicked weird, but not for a die hard.
I am embarrassed to admit this too..... When I got in my truck this mornin' some song that Fergie sings happened to be one, the song where she sings "Big Girls Don't Cry" (I dont know if thats the name of it but I hate Fergie and dont give a rip about her music...... until this morning) and I felt like singing/sobbing along to it, but re-wording all the lyrics to be about the Super Bowl - all while banging my head on the steering wheel horn..... Sad, I know.
Irregahhhhdless..... this too shall pass. Like all devastating losses, time and the Sox, Celts, Bruins will help hear this mortal wound.... like the heart of a New Englander, I am frigid to everyone except other New Englanders right now. I come off even more pissed off and hot headed than my usual self. And must look like a jerk but ya know what........ I dont give a rip. Normal people who root for their teams only when they are doing well, will NEVAHHH understand the heart of a die hard, never. Sports to us is more than a game, it's our life, its our family, its how we communicate and how we bond, its what we live for..... hey, if there were no die hards there would be no "Greats" to watch. And yes, that is a bold statement but in some weird ironic sense, that makes sense to me..... Us, die hahhhhds, make the sports world go round. And some where I read, that life wouldn't be fun if we didnt take it this personal.... And I agree. I wouldnt enjoy the wins as much, if I didnt suffer through the tragedy of the losses.

Hi, I'm Rob and I'm a Boston-aholic.

From my Rock 1053 Bloggings.......

2 Days afta the Super Bowl......
Hey, Charger fans, I get it, your team has not been to the Superbowl in a while but please stop telling me to not feel wicked emotionally unstable. I am wicked thankful that my team has won Three Championships but that does not take away the pain from loosing this one. And I have compassion for you fans, I do........ But I also live and die with my team, so this one, I am feeling like I died inside.....  And I will say this, a lot of you have been supportive and cool, but the ones who keep telling me not to feel bad because "at least you're not a Chargers fan", well, piss off..... I am a Pats fan and my heart is broken right now, let me feel like a wicked emotional wreck.... If you dont want to hear me being broken hearted, then dont read my stuff. I invest so much into my teams AND I KNOW ITS NOT HEALTHY, BUT sometimes I feel like they are part of my family and I live for them. I don't want you to think I am pissed at any of you, I am jsut wicked passionate and am hurting wicked bad right now.... I just dont like being told that it aint that bad, when in reality IT IS. We got beat by the MOTHAF*CKIN GIANTS AGAIN!!!!! I AM HEART BROKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO LAY OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I had to get that off my chest, that just because my city has won championships, that doesn't mean I am not an emotional disasterpiece right now.....
What I have been doing, is trying to find some kind of solace to help cheer myself up..... What I found myself actually feeling a little better about is when I listened to Party Rock by LMFAO this morning and imagined myself, God and Jesus all doing the Party Rock dance together, that actually made me crack a smile. So any New Englanders out there, try that to help get over this hump of a emotional disaster.
I know I invest too much into my teams sometimes, I know I do, and I know a lot of other New Englanders do too.... We have this unhealthy obsession. It feels like life is alright and live-able when our teams are doing well but when they loose, what is the point of doing anything..... I mean, I have had trouble getting out of bed the past two mornings because when I wake up all I think is "Pats lost, Pats lost" and keep telling myself that it wasn't a bad dream. I know to normal people that seems crazy but it's my reality.
Like I imagine Tom Brady waking up in the middle of the night from a nightmare about Justin Tuck sacking him in the Third Quarter and Gisele comforting him back to sleep, and across the country in my bedroom I am waking up from a nightmare of me being witness to that sack and replaying it again and again in my dreams because I am so obsessed with it and how I feel like Tom Brady was not the same after that hit in the game and how that changed the outcome. Weird, I know, but this is the unhealthy obsession. Wicked pathetic
I would be drowning my sorrows in Dunkin Donuts Iced Coffee BUT I CAN'T EVEN DO THAT BECAUSE THERE ARE NO DUNKS IN CALIFORNIA! AHHHHHHHH!!!!
And I want to give a shout out to the guy over at Barstoolsports.com who writes for the Boston part of that site. He does a great job expressing the emotional attachment and wreckage we go through as Die Hahhhd fans. If you're from Boston and never read that website, what is wrong with you! Go check it out, click on Boston when ya get there though, so you read our cities bloggings and postings. Wicked good stuff. And helpful through these tough times.
I know, you're probably saying enough already with your sobbing and crying.... But it feels like a bad break up, a break up that you really didnt want to have happen but you could almost see it coming.... And then you tell yourself that you can not call your ex, that you shouldnt even be thinking about her, but in all truth and reality, it consumes your mind.... Like as much as I tell myself "Lets go watch the Bruins", all I am thinking about it Brady trying to march down the field with less than a minute left and how I could feel my hopes being crushed deep in my man heart. And I know I am not a normal person when it comes to things likes sports.... when you are willing to name pets after players, decorate your house like it was a shrine to Fenway Park, Gillete Stadium, and the Garden (And doing this as a grown up adult man), and sacrifice relationships because the game was on - you're not normal, you're a Die Hard.
Ahhhhhhh man, this week sucks. I need to start a group like AA but for New England Sports fans, the fanatics. We need a meeting group where we can talk it out. Especially, the days following a big sports event like Sunday. Now more than ever, us fanatics need each other to not feel so crazy because honestly I thought I was being nuts until I read other guys blogs about how passionately they felt and how devestated they are in the days following. The group would have to have a cool name though, like Massholes Anonymous or something like that.... any ideas, hit me up.
I also really could of used this group after the Sox collapse last season, that was a difficult thing to live through and denial was part of my life for a while. Damn..... its been a rough few playoffs, the Bruins were great though, I am wearing my Bruins shirt today to try and cheer up.... I just love my Pats so much
I can hear the intervention music bed playing right now in the background, imagining my friends about to trick me into meeting them in some random hotel conference room to hold an intervention with me about how passionate about my teams I am. *Cue the music
Hi, my name is Rob and I'm a Boston-aholic.



Day afta the Super Bowl.....
The good Lord knows how bad my heart hurts right now. A crushing defeat at the hands of my arch-nemisis, makes you do some soul searching. My allegience to my Patriots will never faulter, but I will say this - that it makes you deal with loss, find ways to cope, and teach yourself how to deal with your emotions (because you get a sh** ton of them after such a defeat). I have a million emotions right now, disappointment has to be number one. Sad is up there too, but it all comes out as being pissed off. And will come out on any Giants fan I see. But thats the beauty of being a Masshole, we surpress our feelings and stuff them deep down inside to never be dealt with again.
So I'll say it, say the stuff that I think a lot of us New Englanders are thinking...... WHAT THE F***, now we gotta hear those pecker NYG fans talk about how great Eli Manning is for the next year and how this is another reason that (they think) Ny owns Boston is the sports world..... But let me remind you New Yorkers, Tom Brady still has one more ring than that idiot Manning. Also, I have nto seen the Rangers, Islanders, Knicks or Nets do anything of substance in the past 5 years. So piss off. 
Yeah, did you get us again, yes. Did you rip out our hearts and stomp on them like you did back in 2007 when the Giants destroyed our march to perfection, yes. But I am still proud to be a Patriots fan, a sad and heartbroken Patriots fan.
So now what do I do, drown myself in sorrow for a few days - YES. But then I guess we pick up the pieces of our shattered hearts and start watching the Celtics and Bruins again, cause I must admit, I've been knee deep in Pats coverage and unnecessary super bowl coverage for the past two weeks. I have watched a couple Celtics games but to be honest I was thinking about the Pats the whole time, that's weird..... Okay, so us New Englanders have somewhat of an unhealthy obsession with our sports teams, so much so that it can be affair-esque when you're in a relationship. But enough about that. We are talking about picking ourselves up after getting kicked in the d*ck repeatedly in what they call the Super Bowl.
I am WICKED FRIGGIN' UPSET. And this morning I was thinking, well if I feel this shotty I wonder how the players feel, but I can't feel bad for Tom Terrific because at least he gets to go home and motorboat that supahhh model Giselle to cheer himself up. I get to come home to two dogs and a couple of roommates who are also feeling just as miserable as I am. WTF.
It's still replaying in my head, driving me nuts.... I know nerves came in to play because the last time I seen that many dropped balls in the 4th quarter, it was while me and my roommates were playing touch football in the street.... I MEAN COME ON!
I feel like someone drove by me while I was walking on the side of the road and they drove through a big muddy puddle and soaked me. And now I am just standing here drenched in mud looking stupid. I feel like crap.
Yeah it hurts to loose the super bowl, brings me right back to 2007, but it also makes it 100 times worse that it was AGAIN to the Giants. Eitherway, there is no getting around this feeling of being kicked in the d*ck. C punch. Nut shot. It's pure devastation.
I love my Patriots so much, so much it hurts, hurts bad too. It's weird how affected I am. But I look at some of the team members as members of my own family, I feel like I have been there through the good times and the bad for them, rooting through it all..... and when something like this happens, I feel it as a fan as I suffered the loss with them. Now I get that some people who arent diehards witht heir sports teams dont get that, and if thats you, I can never explain this feeling to you. But for those of you who bleed your teams colors, you get me. This will take a few days to shake off.
I will say this, I am really happy that Thor got to watch the game with his dad. But that's it. I know what a special occassion this is so for Thor to be able to be at home and spend this time with his family is one of the greatest feelings in the world. I missed out on being able to do this because I was trying to make it in my career and jsut did not have the money to travel across the country.... but these memories will be lifelong ones and that is a moment that sometimes only happens once in a lifetime.
12 Days, 18 Hours, and a few minutes from right now until Pitchers and Catchers report to Spring Training..... GO SOX


Read more: http://www.rock1053.com/pages/boston_rob.html#ixzz1ljWycLt0

Monday, January 23, 2012

Mixed Emotions

Riding the high from the Patriots win is exhilarating. But my mind is also wicked heavy because today my brother goes to NY. I would be lying if I said I didn't have thoughts that this could be the last time we see each other. I need him to know how much I really do love him. I really do. So much, so much it hurts. It hurts to have to have him depart, but I have a sense that this is the best thing for him. I am just so sorry that we could not work it out. I wish I could have been a better brother, a better mentor, a better person. But wishing is for suckers.

I only want the best for my brother, my family, my blood. I pray he sees that. I pray he knows that through all we've been, I love him more now than ever. And I always and forever will have his back. I know emotions can get flared up and sometimes the message gets lost, but no matter what he is always my brother and I love him so much.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Death

Death is an interesting topic. Some people avoid it, some people have had to deal with it so much it becomes that of a second nature to them. There are people on both ends of the spectrum on this. The extremists who will not mention the word because a fear of it, then those who are served with reminders of it in every photo they look at. Either way, no matter where your view stands on it, it is all of our collabrative and ultimate fate. Whether we choose to acknowledge it or not.
It can be a surreal, and intimidating thought, when the reality of it hits you.
Most people probably dont acknowledge it, whatever the reason is unimportant, the reason serves a purpose.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Kickin'thelivinpissouttame

Cant wait till I rest in peace, it aint tragic
Cuz till then Imma go getta and cause some havoc


Another rough week down the hatch but I fear things might get harder. In trying to form a relationship with my brother, all things failed. I am sure I am much at fault too but I cant help but question why, that in all my attempts to bond with him, care for him, and love him, he never said a word to me. He did not communicate, and I feel like he did not even try to attempt at reciprocating any love shown. I dont know what I did to cause such a harsh resistance but I wish he would of said something, anything, just opened the lines of communication. So then we could break down the walls that separate us and begin anew in our brotherhood. But wishing is for suckahhhs. I am just violently ill with sadness because I feel like I am at such a loss of direction on how to make things good again. I want it so bad, but I guess if only one side wants it, then it aint happening. It rips my heart out and stomps on it while still beating on the floor - bloody and badgered.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I wrote this Blog for my other blog

This Blog comes to you from my other blog.....


Ephesians 6:10 - end

Resillient (spelling???). Americans, even before America was America, the people on this land have been hard fought and resillient. I dont want US to ever loose that quality. Through diversity hath come prosperity. Hard work and resillience.

Loyalty. The word holds power. Or at least in my life it holds power and I hold the word in high regard. Since I have been out west, there is one time I think I was loyal to someone who I probably should not have been (or at least as much as I was). But I feel and I learned through therapy, I can be loyal to a fault. It is an unhealthy enabling reflex that has been ingrained into my psychie (spelling of that word, no idea). While watching Anthony Bourdain the other night, on Tony's show No Reservations the one I recently blogged about, Anthony said that while he was grinding it out working in kitchens for chefs he didn't like, he said something that struck me wicked bad....... He talked about keeping it real and integrity. Anthony questions keeping it real and backs it up by stating that he had to work in situations he did not like so how could he be keeping it real. It was amazingly put. I respect Anthony Bourdain a lot. And his take on things is enlightening, to me at least. I always took pride in trying to keep it real, or at least trying to stay as real as I could. But in reality, when Anthony Bourdain broke his stituation down, sometimes the ability to keep it real is just not there. It does not exist. Sometimes you have to, for your own good, you gotta surpress your individuality and make it a sacrifice because you are still paying your dues. I have felt that exact way so many times, where I felt a shut mouth is bettah than any other option. It was just amazing to hear someone, Anthony Bourdain, put it into words and do it in a cool, understandable, and truthful way - He kept it real doing that. it was just one of those moments where it made sense to me, a lightbulb moment. I had known that feeling, was never able to comprehend or verbalize it. And within a moment, Tony B sums it all up. WICKED Brilliant. After I thought I couldn't appreciate Anthony Bourdain anymore, he goes and does something like this - And TOTALLY made me respect him even more.
I know I have said this before but seriously watch that No Reservations episode, I believe it's called - Where It All Began. Wicked good episod3


Friday, January 13, 2012

Crushed

I am crushed inside. I don't know where I went wrong but the more I think about it, the more I think "What if I did this.... What if I had took a different approach.... What if I gave more of myself.... What if...."
The "What If's" in life will eat your alive.
I know better than to focus on them. But in this moment, at this crossroads I am here facing again, I can't help but look back and wondering. Am I a bad guy? Maybe if I wasn't "me" then things would be different. Maybe it wouldn't feel like my life is shattered in a million pieces on the ground. Maybe my family wouldn't be broken.
I know, I know that I sound like a confused 13 year old kid wondering if it is his fault for his family unit breaking up around him. But I think that little kid still exists to an extent in my mind. A traumatic experience can do that to you. And I've been through a few recently.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

My immediate thought this am

I had a thought about a lifelong good friend of mine, a friend who I went to elementary school with, his dad was my basketball coach and we played on the same team, we were real close growing up. But like all things, time had it's way and we parted ways took different life roads, walked our own paths like we all do in life. Nevertheless, when I went back home for my moms funeral, his family came and I got to see him for the first time in years. Even though it had been years, maybe 10 years or more, we still spoke like life had not happened inbetween. It was good to see him and even more though, I know we had both traveled troubled roads. We had both experienced pain, suffering, tragedy, and a infliction of self demise due to personality traits gone awry. I am speaking from solely my point of view.... because we weren't in touch for years I only heard stories of his walk, and I am guessing he only heard stories of mine. Either way, not trying to say anything bad, I am just saying we both had a rough walk. Something mutual we shared in this crazy life.
This am, he was on my mind, he was an immediate thought of mine. I just felt overpowered to reach out and get back in touch with him. When we spoke at my mums funeral, we exchanged contact information, and we talked of reconnecting. I emailed him this morning and hope to re-cement the bonds we once had.


**** I just had a realization, it might have been apparent to some but I can be wicked oblivious at times (ignorance is bliss and so on), but I can't shut my brain off. Going to sleep and even when I wake up, I have trouble, a wicked hard time, keeping my mind from racing. Thoughts crowd my head and I can't stop thinking especially when I lay down to try to sleep..... And the wicked irritating thing is, is that it can be so obnoxious. Obnoxious to the point, that as soon as I wake up my thoughts continue almost convincing me that I never slept, and my thoughts just carried on consistently without stop. Relentless(seemingly). It might sound stupid but that just hit me like a frieght train and the light bulb above my head lit up, brightly. Thoughts/Over-Thinking can be a b*tch.  



ADD thoughts are the worst too. Feel me?!!!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

I wasn't gunna post this writing.... But I will. What am I scared of.......

This was a writing I did a few weeks back. I guess my fear is people thinking, ah more like knowing, what a wicked weirdo my writing can be. I am trying to refuse to let fear dictate my life, and posting this is a big step for me.

Called, In The Company.

In the company
of giants
Forged my way through amidst the steel and rubbish
Following the footprints of monsters
My name written in calligraphy on my neck
Designer everything ruled
It was a vacuum sucking in the life's and souls already thrown away by their owners
Drawn in by the intense aromas and desirables dancing their way to exotic extents
i've been traded
I've been given a new life enslaved in the belly of the beast
Tradgidy and romance collide here only to form a new essence of what they both once was
realists need not play here
only the once broken and soul selling must know this feeling
Absolute absolute-ness
Redefined every time they change
from what once was, now is, now is gone, now is what never was
Given to me as a birth right
And torn away everytime I think I know myself inside out
You bleed senseless nonsense and I crave senseless acts
contrition is not far from being our only savior
devoured by impulse, reactionary reactions
when we draw lines in the sand who are we keeping out
or is it us that we are really keeping in
a challenge bid by our own undoing
we are
in the company

I am trying to visit the past lives
Of ones I ve never met
Only to seek their advice on wisdom never heard
a wisdom so great in depth that to ears it comes in the sound of music which speaks directly to our souls
it opens minds like horizons and delves deeper than inspirations, touching the heart of our souls
only visiting is allowed, for this runs to great a risk to keep me here
and on the outside, we all have been here before.... its the inside so few have seen
My dreams
You keep
my faith
locked up

I'm Trying To Write

On A Consistent Basis Here.

I had two thoughts this morning, the first, Idle Hands Are The devils workshop.
The second, I saw a guy power walking this am, at quarter to 5, the guy was wicked old, must of been in his late 50's. And thought to myself, I should get up wicked early and go for a run. I am NOT a morning person, I have and never will be. But I thought it must be an amazing way to start the day. It must take a lot of strength to be that person that wakes up before the sun and out in the blistering chill of the last of night, go walk/run/exercise outdoors. But the more power to you if you do that. And I flirted with the idea this am.

Idle Hands can be weapons. Weapons against yourself, to your own demise. Depending on how well you know yourself, I guess, and on how crafty of a person you are (I'm am speaking to myself here). Like the typical Good Vs. Evil struggle that has been continuing on for-ever, I find that within ourselves we can experience that struggle too. We find ourselves more vunerable and apt to experience that trouble with Idle Hands.


This blog has become a blessing of an outlet for me. When I feel like I have zero strength left and the ability to speak with no one, I write here. It doesn't fix things but it has created this unique out for me.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Walk A Mile

Walk a mile
Walk a mile with me
then you'll see
all the destruction I've seen
Mean, unforgiving, in rarest form
tormented, demented, shattered and torn

Walk a mile
Walk a mile with me
to a spot where cannibals eat
or at least you'd think so
from what I've seen,
but they prey on nothing but junkies and pheens

Walk a mile
Walk a mile with me
keep breathing is what they say is the key
but I can't breath, cant sleep, cant eat
because I got monsters lurking in from the deep

So walk a mile, walk a mile with me
maybe you'll believe when I share my dreams
Dreams and Nightmares seem to blur between
Reality is busting at the seams
Walk A Mile with me

Friday, January 6, 2012

Love Less

It's not that I will Love Less
It's More Like I feel Love/Less
I promise I don't Love Less
I just don't want any Love Less
It's hard to be so Love/Less
Believe Me, I don't choose to Love Less
But I Believe I know Love Less
The More I feel Love/Less

Thursday, January 5, 2012

We Ain't Done Yet

We ain't done yet
We think we've met all the diversity we should meet
But Life has it's way of bouncing us back to our feet
We ain't done yet
We think all bets will be placed against our postition
But then we find someone who believes in our ambition
We ain't done yet
So know your lows only go,
As high as your highs will rise,
And if we can weather each blow
Pain can not suffice, but eventually die

We Ain't Done Yet

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

No way to describe it but I'll try.

The only way I can somewhat kinda sort of maybe relate to the way I've been feeling is.... if you've ever been knocked out before. And I'm talking seeing colors, knocked out, saw black, come to, seeing the color spots, and then getting your grip of what just happened...... and come to realize, damn I think I was knocked out for a minute. No, I know I just got knocked out. Standing on my feet, knocked the F*** out.
And the only reason I know that sensation and awakening/realization is from when I took boxing. I loved boxing, not getting my bell rang but loved sparring, just being in the ring, toe to toe, every punch thrown was therapuetic.
Surreal. Great word, better definition. It helps to exactly define what my sensation has been walking around day to day. Surreal.
Like reality has left me, leaving to grip and cling onto the last desperate clutches of what I used to know, my reality has changed and it hasn't been kind enough to let me catch up, get my bearings, or prepare. But that's life. You will never be prepared for tragic events. I guess adaptability is a virtue, somewhat like patience.

Give it a once-ovahhh

I happened to come across the book "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" yesterday..... most random, have no idea who owned that book in my household but it was sitting on the outside table when I got home and it felt like it was calling me, inviting me, and demanding that I read it. I ain't a book worm, nor am I even close to a wicked good reader..... even that sentences spells out how un-reader-ish I am. But I contained my ADD spazzed mind for long enough to read this book yesterday, And it was worth ever hour I dedicated to reading it. I took away a few wicked amazing points. And if you can take something away from a book, especially life lesson type ish, then that is a wicked good book in my opinion.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Ghost

I've been compelled to write. Some of this stuff hasn't even been me, it feels like. I don't know why but I keep coming to my computer and needing to write. Like getting sick, like vomiting, your mind says "oh God no, please I hate throwing up" but your body demands differently knowing better and making you vomit. It's like something keeps making me lyrically vomit. I keep spewing words on the page, not caring if its good or not, just needing to get it out. I feel the essence of my mother with me when I do. My mother was a writer and compassionately left her soul on the page. Something deeper tells me it's her, helping me get it out. You may think I'm crazy, But I don't know how else to explain why I have been compelled, no, made, to write so often lately.

The Heart Of Mathematics

One + One = Two
The Two of Us - Me = You
Love + Love = True
Misery + Me = You
Simple Mathematics
Love + You = Nothing      if....
Me + You = A Divide
You - Me = Heartache
Me + Heartache = Trying To Survive
Simple Mathematics
Divide You/Me = Questions
Questions = Loss
Loss > Love                     if.....
Love > Cost

You + Me = Love
Me + Love = Blind
Blind + Love = Everything
Divide Everything/Love = Trying To Survive

Me - You = My Heart
Divide My Heart/You = Love
Love - My Heart = Loss
Love - Loss, is = Choking

My Heart - You = Broken



The Heart Of Mathematics

Your Voice on Paper

a quick script
soft and poignant
powerful yet elegant
your voice on paper
like God speaking through your fingertips
your voice on paper
I hear you speak the words
your voice on paper
to the point
demanding
yet movingly beautiful and delicately displayed across the page
your voice on paper
I hear your voice on paper
I hear you speak the words
you haven't been gone for all that long
yet it seems the sounds from these words begin to fade each day
A symphony of letters construed to dance in time
conducting lyrical soul-poetry dressed in cursive lines
Masterpiece refined
your voice on paper
giving life to love
God speed me your love
give me life to love
your voice on paper
so perfect in your own way
so well spoken across the page
of yourself everything you gave
your voice on paper

fixed my eyes to realize that really I, saw your voice on paper

Sunday, January 1, 2012

So Close

Its beyond intimate, so close, we lay, I feel your soul connecting to my mind heart body and being
We are So Close
Words will never express what we really feel, words have a way of making this seem less than deep
We are So Close
Our timing is impeccable even when we are not on time, we give each of ourself for hell or high water
We are So Close
If we could separate time from existence, that is where we would lay, in a field of bright white energy
Together We are So Close