Transformation from man to dad

I'll be a dad soon. A title be-fitting of my father. But me. I hesitate to say I fully understand the ultimate responsibilities I am about to embark on.

Laughter

Laughter is contagious. Infectious. And the uncontainable kind, the peelt little kid, uncontrollable freak of nature riotous, please stop tickling me, no really, no freakin stop, type of laughter is druglike.
I wish laughter was like the black plague. Contaminating everything in its hurricanesque pathway. Like a yawn but more contagious. With no anti-dote. No cure. Hilarity ensuing epidemics upon thirdworld minds. Tasting like cotton candy. Ravashing and devouring us whole.
I wish laughter was poison. The poisons used for chemical warfare. And we drop bombs on humanity. Leaving civilizations in ruins. Smog snorts roaring shreeks of merriment and gratification rising from the ruins. The soddom and gommorrah of now. An ancient reverly. Boasting gestures wreeking havoc upon the masses. In a hailstorm of chesire cat sh*t eating grins and an afta math of sideaching carnage.
I wish laughter was cancerous. Consuming our bodies. Infecting us. Simply taking over. Polluting us from cell to cell. 
I wish laughter was corruption. Spread rampant amongst those in power.
I wish laughter was suicide. Forcing us to feel so meek.
 

Audible Pesticides

You hafta go wicked far out.. to know how close you are. I make mistakes. I communicate harshly on occasion. My passion reveals itself in the things I do. I am human. And when you get close to my heart you feel the passion. Understandable right.. Like any man would defend his homestead. But there are rules, no hitting below the belt. If there is respect, you respect the code. And you know and live by this code. Its the basics that we have all heard and been exposed to growing up. For instance, men dont hit women. My mind is drawing a blank but the golden rule and things of that nature. A code to live be, we all have one. We all tailor it to our comfort. And I being a human man am flawed. I'd like to think I am learning with each experience. And I look to forgive. There are just few things that are tough for me to see beyond. And I still look to forgive. I just understand that part of learning is learning to not allow yourself back in the environment with the perpetraitors. And it is healthier to find your seperate life paths. It is OKAY to walk a seperate path from those who you forgiven, especially when they have deeply hurt you. And it is for your health. We all need to give ourself time to heal. And time to understand what healthy living it. Like we will eat organically but continually listen to threatening verbal abuse. It makes no sense. You keep yourself from eating pesticides but you will listen to them, pesticides for your ears. It takes work. Just like getting healthy, eating healthy takes a conscious effort to do. You become aware of all the things that your put in your body. And you equip yourself with knowledge to know the difference between organic and not, you learn and teach yourself what is acceptable and good for you. We take these techniques and apply them to new aspects of our lives. Its work. It is difficult work. Not everyone is capable or able to do this. I know of 40-something year old men who refuse to admit their faults and see a opening for change. It is a sad way to live. You will constantly find yourself in the same situations with different people.
Keep aware of your surroundings. Forgive and learn to live again. Freedom.



Where did life go. What am I making of my life.
Keep moving forward.
And if you hafta look back, do it to remind yourself where you came from and where you are now.

Wicked.

A descriptive intensifier for adjectives and other descriptive words.

I am wicked tired of being put in role I am placed in when it comes to my family, my brothers and me. I am the oldest. But since our parents died, I dont feel like either of them once has given a rip about how I am holding up. I thought and wanted us to bond together in the wake of loosing our parents. it feels like the opposite happened. And I know I am accountable for the role I played but when will I be forgiven. I begin to forgive myself. And understand how difficult it is when others wont forgive you.

Living with myself

Ah man I felt like a nag yesterday. I hate myself when I feel like a wicked big nag. I have been emersed in dog training books and podcasts and audio books and other readings, A LOT of reading. So, wicked in depth, maybe a little over board but I want to equip myself with as much knowledge as my mind will hold. And because I feel the weight of this responsibility will and does ultimately rely on me I had a rant. I almost felt like my mom haha. Just felt totally ignored. I felt like the things I've learned and things I've been trying to help teach my household was not not being absored or taken seriously and not on the same page.

I dont know what my devotional means. I can not decipher when it says to be a light in a world. Like I can not make it a living meaning.
I try to have a relationship with my brothers.
I try to communicate with my woman.
I feel shut out at times, and by times I feel its more than it should be. Shut out. But I am not prying, which I am told, I just want a means of communication. At times it feels completely absent. Maybe I'm fahked then. Maybe I need to regroup and surround with more like minded, who dont think communication is prying or completely undoable. 
Jesus tells me to love, to forgive, but how do I protect my heart. All the love and forgiveness leads to being vunerable and crushed. And I feel its not good to continue to let someone continually crush you. But I am just told to love and forgive, so I do.And feel like with nothing to protect and a continual gush of love is bound to allow people to see the vunerability in you and use it up, all your love.

Scapegoats & Heros

Some people on this earth come into your life like a key to a lock. They are sparks to ignite your life ablaze [in a wicked good way]. I m wicked blessed for my woman. She is my spark my igniter my sublime [restorer] restorator my resuscitation my replenishing fountain my best friend my soulmate my confidant my loyalty my every breath my family (wicked soon) my counsel my teacher my character reflection my mystical musing. Gods graceful gift
And I devote myself to Love care and protect
In discovering Love I believe we begin to search ourself at new depths. Love is from God and God will go deeper than we know to give us more than we ever conceived. When we begin to walk with God we begin seeing nothing is impossible for God. With God all things are possible. We being so many things when we walk with the Lord. And one I adore is the new depth of Love. And our new ability to love like God.
Maybe this sounds crazy to you. It is what I live.

Mindstorming...
My work on myself continues. The craft of a lifetime is the diligence to keep ourself at the grindstone of our own self workmanship
My work on letting go and letting God is still in its germination. More everyday every moment. And continually plant seeds
I need to be DILIGENT.
I need to work. A conscience effort to recognizing understanding moving forward and letting things go is paramount. I just had a thought... it is tough to move forward when carrying a lot of things. Literally and Figuratively.
Don’t continue to carry things in your life. Especially if you are feeling weighed down. Give God your yoke.

This was wicked interesting when I first read it.
From one of my readings this morning... "The words "I am.." are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you." - A.K. Kitselman
"A simple example of this is the difference between "I am ___(your name)___'" and "My name is ___________.""

We are all scapegoats and heros in our life. We are all justifiably and unjustifiably both during this thing called life. A wicked interesting concept my woman brandished me with this morning. Another reason this woman captivates me. [her mind]
I ask myself - when I am the scapegoat am I own the accountability I need to, discerning what I do not, giving grace to those who persecute, and forgiving all. And when I am the hero am I giving glory to God, sought after humbleness, seeking, encouraging, invoking.
I continue to work at applying paint to the canvas of my life. For my painting is unfinished. A great work of Art in human form - how I believe God sees us

In His image we are made
Angels they live around us
Speaking to us all the time
Listen