Ins0mn1a

I was not going to share this.. But then I realized I dont want to care what people think.. And this is how (I believe) you break yourself of the self-conscienceness.. I will put myself out there.. Vunerable for all to witness
Maybe this speaks to you. I wrote this last night in anotha of my bout of insomnia. My mum has passed away but I still speak to her. She was an avid writer and I believe this is her energy speaking through me.



Pray let his go
Pray let Him know
The pain we all go through
Pray

I feel like I may have an issue with taking on he hurt and sorrowful suffering of others. I can't sleep. My thoughts are wild with care. I lack the ability to down shift the gears of my mind.

Courtship of love is not for the faint o heart. Only determination thrives, like theives in the night. She comes to take ur heart, stolen, along with a certain amount of absolution and good sense. Wild. The heart tastes its reign like a young king on the brink of victory, sieging the castle of mind body and soul, a tyrant ruler. Unlike good conscience, wisdom has no place here, this is a vast desert of butterflies. Which rules the feeling of emotional uncontrol. Desperately seeking sanctuary in reciprocation. The feelings mutual. But unknowing is more like certain death. The king and queen of disillusion. Where the heart reigns. Solitary confinement. to each Otha. Verbal contributions ending in physical connections. Her touch is magnetic. And forevahh imprinting upon ur soul.
Distinct each time, distant each more

Reason

I began re-visiting the question I rarely ask myself - "Why/what is my reason for my relationship with God?" 
Is it to be saved.... to get into heaven... to become a better person than I was yesterday.... to become a man who leads by example.... to be a light in a dark world.... to be/find Hope.... to save myself from myself.... to feel the unprecedented overwhelming comfort of Faith.... to grow intellegently/spiritually/positively... to gain wisdom.... to test myself in the field of trust...... to calm myself.... to help myself.... to help others... to Hope for others..... to know Love, doubt love and reconfirm love..... to overstand all while equally realizing I actually under-stand not at all....
There are so many answers that I explore

Only God Can Judge Me Now

Only God can judge me

We all waver in our faith at times. I have so many faults its intimidating to think about. And I think about when I witness others wavering in their faith, how is my reaction? Am I quick to pass judgement or am I ready and willing to be compassionate and be a leading example of mercy.

Yesterday was a breaking point for me. It's been a tough year but more over a trying week. My cable has been shut off twice, my water has been shut off once, and these are trivial things compared to my overall year, when I lost my mother. But I am the one responsible for keeping these things running in our household. And then on top of these things a few other things happened yesterday and I felt a break in myself. A lost moment where I didnt do what I usually do and take a step back, think things over, and readdress the situation when I am composed - but instead I broke down and not in a crying way but my anger at the world was beyond me. And the most disappointing part of my loosing it and lashing out by myself to the world, was that I did not go to God first. I am constantly trying to stop in the middle of anything of importance, meaning, or even the little things to pray and ask God for help and guidance. But I was wicked enraged at the world and felt like it had turned on me so I lashed my tongue cursing everything in my path. Yes, it is embarassing for me to admit this. And I am ashamed of the way I handled myself. I handled myself out of anger and despair. When all I needed to do was TRUST in God. And after my 15 minutes of rage (thank God I have a heavy bag at my house), I didnt feel better, I felt more lost. And it was then I realized, that I needed to bring my baggage to the Lord. For then and only then, will I find my peace of mind knowing He will always give me what I can handle and never leave me.
We all have moments of lost-ness. Where we loose ourselves among the world and how dark a place it can be.... But what do we do at that moment? Do we give it up to God? I didnt and I regretted it IMMEDIATELY. And the funny thing is, that all week with the little things I had been stopping to pray and ask God to get me through it. THEN, when the BIG stuff hit, I lost focus. I had not demonstrated what I had been practicing. It's like getting to the big game and forgetting everything you did in practice.

Now where do I go from here. Well, the reason I am revealing this embarassment on my blog is because I pray that I learn a lesson from this. I truly believe that if we do not grow as people then we negate the greatest part of our existence. These are character builders. I want to take something away from this experience that I can have in my arsenal of life experience. I need not look to anything but God in my trying times. And I will focus on his bright light to guide me through the dark days. The moment the storm hits, I will take hold of my rock the Lord.

Robs Reasons to Plant A Garden

Plant a Garden

Robs Reasons - to plant a garden...

Because it will calm you the F**K down. If you're anything like me, you get wound up and stressed throughout the day. Different exterior factors come into play like dealing with work, driving on the California highways, and old people out in public. BUT when you get home and drop all your baggage at the door like a kid home from school, and go into your sanctuary aka your garden, the stress fades away while you become focused on the miraculous plants you nuture and nurish to bring life to. You will slowly realize that your garden is your "zen" place. The place where the outside world does not get to you and weigh you down. Your garden becomes a stressfree zone and it even becomes a meditation zone, where you can go to pray and figure out the issues of the day. 

My next reason is that you become even more self sufficient when you bear fruit in your garden. Bring a garden full cycle from seed to fruit is an amazing proccess. It teaches your many things. One trait that is always appreciated especially nowadays is patience. A garden doesnt grow overnight. It takes time and a lot of caring to get from seed to fruit. But working diligently through the entire proccess makes a more devoted person (remember, practicing skills a little at a time makes the foundation stronger and more ready to learn them on a bigger scale). You have to devote yourself to giving life to the plants. And patience to watch them grow into flowers. You instill confidence in yourself getting your hands dirty while nuturing this garden. You find tiny accomplishments within each stage of the plant. It's a mighty reward when you can go out to your garden to pick food for dinner.

My next reason is that peace is found in nature. Wildlife will naturally migrate to your garden whether it come in the form of bees or hummingbirds. But after a while and when your garden becomes established, you will start to see more and more wildlife. It's calming to watch nature work and also gives us insight to how big and miraculous life is around. For me, I see God in nature. I see how perfectly designed our world is that when I go off to work in the morning, the birds and bees have their own routines which is of devine instinct for these creatures. Its awe inspiring to witness first hand. The bee collects pollen, the bird finds seed, all of these things it has been programed to do not through learning but through God. You will discover an inner peace when you witness first hand the greatness of our Lord God. Peace in Nature.

Last night was pretty cool. My brother and I went to the Padres Phillies game. We sat about 12 rows behind the Phillies bullpen and got to see former Red Sox closer, Jonathan Papelbon. Of course, Gabe and I were rockin' our Sox gear and of course, we HECKLED Pap as soon as he walked out to the pen. At one point, he gave us the "thumbs down" as we held our Sox hats up and pointed to my Red Sox on my jersey. It was hilarious and cool. I had a blast and that was one of those moments that Gabe and I will be able to talk about til we get old, saying "remember the time we heckled Pap and he gave us the thumbs down", haha brilliant.

Through this.

Through all of this, I've taken some, left others and hopefully given more.
Lessons Learned.
I've reached beyond my means, isolated within myself, and met mediocrity halfway there.
Learned Lessons.
I shared what I thought I knew, I cared for what I thought was right, and gave what I had to give.
Lessons Learned.
I kept all my guilt, built shoulders strong, longed for peace of mind, finding that you have to move on to forgive.
Learned Lessons.
And the fragility of life is a constant reminder that I keep forgetting to remember. I will be gone, I pray my essence will live on, within the hearts and minds of the ones I loved.
And in fear that nothing good will come of my time here, I move forward each day in progression, living the way I speak of in good care of life's successes - giving, loving, caring, laughing, living.
I will make my heart's love contagious, for all who know me, so when I am gone, this part of me will live on.
Lessons Learned.

LoYaLtY

Loyalty.
Its earned and gained through trials of self discipline.
Sacrifice of self, given a greater good
for humbly noting who you are by what you loyalize.
We've all lost it. But only few have truly lived it.
Love comes second to Loyalty
Not many can choose this path. I know, I have stumbled off the clearly marked trail myself.
But those who abide to return, it's a gift within itself.
Nothing can take, touch, shake, or steal this prowess.
Only yourself can destroy it.
Like a thief in the night, be prepared, because it will test your every stronghold.
Like energy, it will absolutely come back as hard as you deliver it.
So, Give it up for LoYaLtY, the self-sacrifice is well worth it.