m1dn1ght s01L

Instinctually I knew the moon
dressed arrival in her midnight tomb
tethered to the oceans womb
vitality accordingly sought attune
indigenous paupers of the soil
luminous in the valley of midnight oil
author of seasons; only acknowledging the Most High royal
I witness her glory; the midnight sun; lustrous & radiant amidst where darkness toils
-LouII

Death would be easy

Death would be the easy way out. Not hafta face anyone or anything in this life. Especially myself. My truth. The truth I perceive of the ways things feel. Death would be easy. Life is the road less taken. Truly, truthfully, painfully honest, and exposed living is facing fear eye to eye, toe to toe, and standing in the face of all that we perceive of ourself.

Am I just fahkt in this life. I've been taught by God Himself to not jsut thank Him and be thankful in the good times.. But in these trying, stressful, arduous times. And I say Thanks be to God for this. I will take your test and if I fail reprimand me. I know myself well enough to understand that sometimes I unwillingly force myself to learn the hahhhd way. I'm not wise enough yet, or will I eva be *is what my self doubt says*.

And when I love. I love with no regret. Love will neva be a regret of mine. But am I destined to loose love more this way. Am I just fahkt.

Does this stop with death. I'm afraid not. Especially if the choices I make here and now, in this life, on this earth, fail God.

I'm so sad that through the stress of this all... I can not and neva will be able to call my parents. I force myself to turn to God. I went from a man who turned to drugs and the bottle now turning to the bible. God is the only one who can fully understand the depths of my pain. So why not turn to the one who needs no back story... needs no explanations... just needs you.

Are we still Warriors on these days. I dont know. I'd hope to think so. But hope is so hahhhd to find around here in these pahhhts. And I answer my own question when I look in His word.

Struggle. A weird word. So simple. Two syllables. Yet such power

Faith. and even more basic word yet so complex. With the most power of any word eva. Yet so tough to understand

This.... This is what I wish I could do... Lyrically wise....

So so Dope. I want to write like this.... I have poetry reminiscent of this.


my brother introduced me to Atmosphere. Changed my life - I didnt know this existed. I love finding out things that I thought did not exist or were extinct - really do exist... it gives me Hope.
Never compromise your self morals for anything or anyone. The people who love you.. will love you for those qualities. And if you find your surrounded by those who want to change that about you.. you maybe want to rethink your inner circle. Just my opinion - take its value for what it costs

From my devotionals this morning - God is absolutely just. He loves, and He forgives, but He does not compromise His righteousness. God deals with us uniquely.
And from my otha - If you dont find what your doing a labor of love, try changing your attitude. Or try changing your circumstances.

Like my woman... I didnt think a person like her existed.. someone who is morally built on such a solid foundation of character. She has a deep understanding of who she is.. it's so real & honest. It is something that takes years of life experience to develop and figure out. But she gets it.. She is a beautiful woman.. one of the most beautiful women I've eva met.. But what I find most attractive about her is not her looks(although its definitly 1A).. it's deeper than that.. it's her strong character.. the make-up of her mind.. her personality and her understanding of who she is and her wants.. this life is tough and exterior forces constantly try to influence who we are as people and what our goals should be - so to find someone who does not let these things alter their morality.. or affect the person they are and the confidence in who they are... is such a rarity I feel. She has this savvy sexiness about her.. she has this artistic canny witt. She has this innate ability to understand me. I'm wicked fortunate & extremely blessed to have this woman in my life. Loyal to a fault is my drug.
I've had this goal in my life... kinda sat in the background of my mind.. I dont like to talk about it because I feel like its a wicked feminine quality.. Its a goal of having my own family. Becoming this rad husband & father. I want to create this stellar home and I feel this native longing inside to be the patriarch and protector for my home and my family. I think it stems my life. And my lessons learned in the importance of family. Loosing my parents has made it ring louder and louder, bringing it to the surface.. But the weird thing is.. I thought I would never find this. I thought there was no one compatible for me afta going through some many relationships and never getting that feeling of there being "the one".
Okay this is getting too personal and I am going to cut myself off......
I dont know why I share this stuff.. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.
I think what I was trying to say was that I believe we all kinda would like to think that there is someone out there that we are meant to spend our life with. Someone who has our back through thick and thin always by our side.

I tend to sometimes relate my life (And I know this sounds weird) to Good Will Hunting. I love that movie so much and I feel like its written from real life. The moments and relationships it captures are so detail-ly accurate, it speaks to me. And I tend to relate to have those life moments. Or those type of moments that captures the passion of life... I know its a movie but it translates these universal human truths and emotions so well.
I had this amazing discussion with my Aunt last night. My Mums sister can speak to me and I hear my mum. It's so nice having the feeling that someone is in your corner unconditionally. I have that with her. Sometimes I dont feel like I deserve it and its hard for me to understand why I am so fortunate to have that.. But I am working on just trust, trusting it. I totally understand it though because that is how I am with my family members. Unconditionally in their corner.

Ins0mn1a

I was not going to share this.. But then I realized I dont want to care what people think.. And this is how (I believe) you break yourself of the self-conscienceness.. I will put myself out there.. Vunerable for all to witness
Maybe this speaks to you. I wrote this last night in anotha of my bout of insomnia. My mum has passed away but I still speak to her. She was an avid writer and I believe this is her energy speaking through me.



Pray let his go
Pray let Him know
The pain we all go through
Pray

I feel like I may have an issue with taking on he hurt and sorrowful suffering of others. I can't sleep. My thoughts are wild with care. I lack the ability to down shift the gears of my mind.

Courtship of love is not for the faint o heart. Only determination thrives, like theives in the night. She comes to take ur heart, stolen, along with a certain amount of absolution and good sense. Wild. The heart tastes its reign like a young king on the brink of victory, sieging the castle of mind body and soul, a tyrant ruler. Unlike good conscience, wisdom has no place here, this is a vast desert of butterflies. Which rules the feeling of emotional uncontrol. Desperately seeking sanctuary in reciprocation. The feelings mutual. But unknowing is more like certain death. The king and queen of disillusion. Where the heart reigns. Solitary confinement. to each Otha. Verbal contributions ending in physical connections. Her touch is magnetic. And forevahh imprinting upon ur soul.
Distinct each time, distant each more

Reason

I began re-visiting the question I rarely ask myself - "Why/what is my reason for my relationship with God?" 
Is it to be saved.... to get into heaven... to become a better person than I was yesterday.... to become a man who leads by example.... to be a light in a dark world.... to be/find Hope.... to save myself from myself.... to feel the unprecedented overwhelming comfort of Faith.... to grow intellegently/spiritually/positively... to gain wisdom.... to test myself in the field of trust...... to calm myself.... to help myself.... to help others... to Hope for others..... to know Love, doubt love and reconfirm love..... to overstand all while equally realizing I actually under-stand not at all....
There are so many answers that I explore

Only God Can Judge Me Now

Only God can judge me

We all waver in our faith at times. I have so many faults its intimidating to think about. And I think about when I witness others wavering in their faith, how is my reaction? Am I quick to pass judgement or am I ready and willing to be compassionate and be a leading example of mercy.

Yesterday was a breaking point for me. It's been a tough year but more over a trying week. My cable has been shut off twice, my water has been shut off once, and these are trivial things compared to my overall year, when I lost my mother. But I am the one responsible for keeping these things running in our household. And then on top of these things a few other things happened yesterday and I felt a break in myself. A lost moment where I didnt do what I usually do and take a step back, think things over, and readdress the situation when I am composed - but instead I broke down and not in a crying way but my anger at the world was beyond me. And the most disappointing part of my loosing it and lashing out by myself to the world, was that I did not go to God first. I am constantly trying to stop in the middle of anything of importance, meaning, or even the little things to pray and ask God for help and guidance. But I was wicked enraged at the world and felt like it had turned on me so I lashed my tongue cursing everything in my path. Yes, it is embarassing for me to admit this. And I am ashamed of the way I handled myself. I handled myself out of anger and despair. When all I needed to do was TRUST in God. And after my 15 minutes of rage (thank God I have a heavy bag at my house), I didnt feel better, I felt more lost. And it was then I realized, that I needed to bring my baggage to the Lord. For then and only then, will I find my peace of mind knowing He will always give me what I can handle and never leave me.
We all have moments of lost-ness. Where we loose ourselves among the world and how dark a place it can be.... But what do we do at that moment? Do we give it up to God? I didnt and I regretted it IMMEDIATELY. And the funny thing is, that all week with the little things I had been stopping to pray and ask God to get me through it. THEN, when the BIG stuff hit, I lost focus. I had not demonstrated what I had been practicing. It's like getting to the big game and forgetting everything you did in practice.

Now where do I go from here. Well, the reason I am revealing this embarassment on my blog is because I pray that I learn a lesson from this. I truly believe that if we do not grow as people then we negate the greatest part of our existence. These are character builders. I want to take something away from this experience that I can have in my arsenal of life experience. I need not look to anything but God in my trying times. And I will focus on his bright light to guide me through the dark days. The moment the storm hits, I will take hold of my rock the Lord.

Robs Reasons to Plant A Garden

Plant a Garden

Robs Reasons - to plant a garden...

Because it will calm you the F**K down. If you're anything like me, you get wound up and stressed throughout the day. Different exterior factors come into play like dealing with work, driving on the California highways, and old people out in public. BUT when you get home and drop all your baggage at the door like a kid home from school, and go into your sanctuary aka your garden, the stress fades away while you become focused on the miraculous plants you nuture and nurish to bring life to. You will slowly realize that your garden is your "zen" place. The place where the outside world does not get to you and weigh you down. Your garden becomes a stressfree zone and it even becomes a meditation zone, where you can go to pray and figure out the issues of the day. 

My next reason is that you become even more self sufficient when you bear fruit in your garden. Bring a garden full cycle from seed to fruit is an amazing proccess. It teaches your many things. One trait that is always appreciated especially nowadays is patience. A garden doesnt grow overnight. It takes time and a lot of caring to get from seed to fruit. But working diligently through the entire proccess makes a more devoted person (remember, practicing skills a little at a time makes the foundation stronger and more ready to learn them on a bigger scale). You have to devote yourself to giving life to the plants. And patience to watch them grow into flowers. You instill confidence in yourself getting your hands dirty while nuturing this garden. You find tiny accomplishments within each stage of the plant. It's a mighty reward when you can go out to your garden to pick food for dinner.

My next reason is that peace is found in nature. Wildlife will naturally migrate to your garden whether it come in the form of bees or hummingbirds. But after a while and when your garden becomes established, you will start to see more and more wildlife. It's calming to watch nature work and also gives us insight to how big and miraculous life is around. For me, I see God in nature. I see how perfectly designed our world is that when I go off to work in the morning, the birds and bees have their own routines which is of devine instinct for these creatures. Its awe inspiring to witness first hand. The bee collects pollen, the bird finds seed, all of these things it has been programed to do not through learning but through God. You will discover an inner peace when you witness first hand the greatness of our Lord God. Peace in Nature.