Only God Can Judge Me Now

Only God can judge me

We all waver in our faith at times. I have so many faults its intimidating to think about. And I think about when I witness others wavering in their faith, how is my reaction? Am I quick to pass judgement or am I ready and willing to be compassionate and be a leading example of mercy.

Yesterday was a breaking point for me. It's been a tough year but more over a trying week. My cable has been shut off twice, my water has been shut off once, and these are trivial things compared to my overall year, when I lost my mother. But I am the one responsible for keeping these things running in our household. And then on top of these things a few other things happened yesterday and I felt a break in myself. A lost moment where I didnt do what I usually do and take a step back, think things over, and readdress the situation when I am composed - but instead I broke down and not in a crying way but my anger at the world was beyond me. And the most disappointing part of my loosing it and lashing out by myself to the world, was that I did not go to God first. I am constantly trying to stop in the middle of anything of importance, meaning, or even the little things to pray and ask God for help and guidance. But I was wicked enraged at the world and felt like it had turned on me so I lashed my tongue cursing everything in my path. Yes, it is embarassing for me to admit this. And I am ashamed of the way I handled myself. I handled myself out of anger and despair. When all I needed to do was TRUST in God. And after my 15 minutes of rage (thank God I have a heavy bag at my house), I didnt feel better, I felt more lost. And it was then I realized, that I needed to bring my baggage to the Lord. For then and only then, will I find my peace of mind knowing He will always give me what I can handle and never leave me.
We all have moments of lost-ness. Where we loose ourselves among the world and how dark a place it can be.... But what do we do at that moment? Do we give it up to God? I didnt and I regretted it IMMEDIATELY. And the funny thing is, that all week with the little things I had been stopping to pray and ask God to get me through it. THEN, when the BIG stuff hit, I lost focus. I had not demonstrated what I had been practicing. It's like getting to the big game and forgetting everything you did in practice.

Now where do I go from here. Well, the reason I am revealing this embarassment on my blog is because I pray that I learn a lesson from this. I truly believe that if we do not grow as people then we negate the greatest part of our existence. These are character builders. I want to take something away from this experience that I can have in my arsenal of life experience. I need not look to anything but God in my trying times. And I will focus on his bright light to guide me through the dark days. The moment the storm hits, I will take hold of my rock the Lord.