Hope

Hope is something you find in a window looking at what you see....
Hope is something you search for in a conversation spoken humbly....
Hope is something you possess when everything is lost....
Hope is something people would give for, at any and all costs....
Hope is something dire and keeps the spirit alive.
Hope is something you always had, hidden deep inside.
Hope is when you walk along your kin on their way to school.
Hope is when you travel close to home, and rediscover something you knew.
Hope is a down and out player, making his comeback.
Hope is when you realize how beautiful the sky is, when your lying on your back.
Hope was always there, maybe you just didn't see.....
That Hope exists in all of us..... Not just you and me.


For my Auntie........ May you know how much I love you.

Freedom isnt Free

Freedom isn't Free
so whose making waves in the street
so who can occupy a city
To bleed the rich
To marry the poor
And the sound it makes is gritty
When you realize Freedom isn't Free.

Dark is Night

Slammed down in the mudd, entrenched in grief, despair would sound nice if that was an available feeling. This shell of a body walks aimless without hope, the most dangerous feeling to live without, and is nothing more than a shell. A hollow brittle shell, ready to crack open, and echo silence. Fear is not an option, but somehow death seems viable. Almost becoming more and more welcome when understanding how guiltless the freedom must be to leave this hollow shell. Dissension holds court in this burdened vessel. A greedy wrath so diabolic even wicked thoughts shutter and stumble when trying to come to fruition.

Second Place

I have figured out something about myself...... I can't stand feeling like someone is choosing booze over me..... I know its because I grew up around/dealing with alcoholism my entire life..... So, if there is one thing that I do not ever want to compete with.... it's booze. I will submit and say "go booze but leave me be"..... I feel like I have worked hard enough in my life to get to the point where I should not have to have that in my life, or should never have to feel like I come in second place to boozing/partying. I feel like I should be able to have people who make me feel wanted, not make me feel like after the party is over and they had their fill and the booze is gone, then they want me. I don't believe anyone should have to feel like that..... And I know the sad thing is, a lot of people accept that as their fate.... When they should be sick and tired of feeling like second place, especially to alcohol.... Alcohol ruins people and takes everything from addicts.... alcohol never gives, it doesn't improve relationships, it doesn't help but it does love to hinder...... And once my therapist laid it down for me real sh*t style.... She said alcohol has taken so much from you, why don't you dislike it...... Then listing the things it ripped from my life..... And I know not everyone is an alcoholic but I do know that anyone who has ever drank/got drunk has maybe possibly experienced having to apologize the next morning for something said/did that wouldn't have been done minus the booze. I just feel like I want to be surrounded by people who refuse to let anyone they love/know feel like second place to booze.


Show Love.

Warriors

I felt compelled to have a talk with my roommate the other day, before Christmas, on Christmas Eve actually. I felt compelled because I felt his actions and words and energy had been so detramental (spelling) to my family (meaning my brothers).
A few weeks back, he told my brother that he was not celebrating Christmas (I hold no grudge with this). He also shared that he stopped believing in God (I do hold grudge with this, but only because I have lived with this kid for years now, 24 hours a day 7 days a week and my feelings on this will be addressed at a later point). But I truly and honestly believe that this is America and everyone can have their own beliefs or non-beliefs.... it's what makes this Nation the greatest one in history. I try to hold that notion of a Nation as part of my core values, but I also feel like I can have my beliefs and they should not be impeded on as well.
So where my hurt began was when my brother came to me to share that this is what our roommate had said to him. I know my brother well. I know that this had done something to him, hearing this stuff from an older kid, someone who is supposed to help pave the way and show right from wrong..... And yes we are all adults but I still strongly believe that no matter how old we get, we are all still like children on the inside and we all look up to older people for guidance or whatevahhh it be.

Now let me set the stage a little for what this hurt me so deeply..... I will not reveal everything but some.... My brothers and I lost our mother, unexpectedly and in my mind tragically. This is our first Christmas with out her and no matter which one of us says that it hasnt been tough or that both our parents being dead isnt affecting them at Christmas time, well, it is, no matter what they say, it sucks and its wicked rough and this being the first Christmas with both our parents dead, well, there was a deep sadness in all our hearts no matter what words come out, this sadness was so deep that to the untrained eye, you would not see it.

That being said, there have been MANY other struggles as of recent, ones I do not want to go into.... But one thing I count on is my friends and family to help be there, just be a form of support through these rough and rugged times. Which I must say, my friends and fam have been nothing short of miracle workers at times and at other times have always been there to if only give a hug when needed. And yes, being 2000 miles away is tougher than sh*t, especially when you just want to go give them a hug and pyshically (spelling) be with them and you cant - f*ckin sucks... no getting around that one.... But they have done the best with a bad situation like my brothers and I have tried to do. And phone calls are placed, texts are sent and the social networking is in full effect to let one another know that no matter what, we are there for each other.
So back to the story....
I knew that this irked my brother hearing from our roommate that he not only would not be celebrating Christmas but that he stopped his belief in God. Now when I hear that, I say okay, man that is tough because I have heard form this roommates lips that he know there is God and how wonderful God is and that he put his faith and trust in the Lord, so to out of the blue have him say this..... was odd. But okay, I can get along with that. Where I can't let it slide is when you are telling that to someone who is going through the roughest patch of sh*t storm that they have been through in there life.... This is a 24 year old who lost both his parents tragically and is having one of the hardest times in life right now, and can no deal with it or does not know how to yet... And BTW who has been leaning on God to get him through this storm..... SO OKAY, WICKED INCONSIDERATE. But I know this, my roommate can be a miserable person and on occasion likes to bring people into his misery. THAT IS WHERE I TAKE A STAND AND WILL NOT ALLOW MY BLOOD, MY BROTHER, TO BE DRAGGED INTO THIS KIDS MISERY AND SH*T THAT HE HIMSELF HAS CREATED FOR HIMSELF.
Now to speed up the story, my roommate also received Christmas cards form loved ones and money from his mother which he sent the christmas cards back to them and HE SAYS he told his mom to take the money back.... This is not my business but I felt compelled to speak up for this kids family who was just doing nice gestures for him because they obviously know something is not right with him if he is saying this kind of stuff. So I tell him that he might wnat to think and look at things from his moms point of view and consider their feelings in all this. I said, you sending those cards back is like a slap in their face. And I know it aint my business but I know his mom and she is a hard working good woman who loves her son. I told him that I WISH I WISH I WISH I could just tell my mom I love her this Christmas but I cant because my mom is dead. And that he, EVEN IF HE DOESNT BELIEVE IN GOD OR WANT TO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS, AT LEAST AT LEAST AT LEAST BE GRATEFUL AND APPRECIATIVE THAT YOUR MOTHER LOVES YOU AND IS SENDING YOU MONEY!!!!! I am so upset over this because this kid walks around sometimes in this pity party for himself when he sees what I have been going through and how bad life can really be sometimes, And I FEEL he takes so much for granted. I explained to him, that at least your mom sends you money, I had to pay for my mom for the last few years to get her a cell phone and keep it on, to help keep her heat on, and if I wanted to see her I had to help pay for her ticket to come out here....... So I tell him to consider himself one step ahead of the game because his mom is AT LEAST SENDING HIM MONEY. And I told him I felt like he was being a dick by telling her to take it back. I feel so badly like he doesnt realize how awesome that is that his mom loves him enough and cares enough to send him a little something for Christmas. WTF MAN!!!!
Now my point in saying all this to him was that he was WICKED F*CKING INCONSIDERATE to my brothers by rubbing this sh*t in their faces.... they just lost their mom and your telling them all about how mad you are that your mom sent you money. WHAT A F*CKIN JERK. DOOOOD DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THEY ARE STRUGGLING WITH THE FACT THAT THEIR MOM JUST DIED and that they have to cope somehow just to get through this Christmas..... And this kid has the balls to complain about his mom sending him a card and money, TO THEM! HE SAID THIS SH*T TO MY BROTHERS! I was irate. I just wanted to consideration that this is a rough time for us and keep it to yourself if the worst thing you are complaining about it getting a gift from your mom. Dude, you sound spoiled..... is what I told him.
And this kids has known us, and my parents, so its not some stranger who doesnt know what is happening in our life.... the kid lives with us.


I dont mean to go off but it hurts me so deeply to see how unappreciative some people can be sometimes. I don't get it. And I know I am not supposed to get it. But I will NEVER let some kid try to pull my family backwards in this life. I WILL ALWAYS AND FOREVER HELP MY BROTHERS TO STRIVE FORWARD AND TO BE THANKFUL FOR THE LITTLE THINGS AND KNOW THAT EVEN THROUGH ALL WE HAVE BEEN, WE ARE STILL BLESSED TO HAVE EACH OTHER. And if this kid wants to throw himself a miserable pity party over NOTHING, then he's gotta keep it to himself because my brothers will not be victims.... We are WARRIORS. And we will continue to go forward to help others and show love.

Beauty in Little Things

From "conversations" to "find a penny pick it up".... Beauty lay silent in the little things in life. Having a deep conversation to realizing you love someone.

Sometimes beauty lays await.

When you loose your faith, find beauty in that, a cold blustery blistful dark traumatic thing holds beauty.... the Beauty in loosing your faith is that one day you will find it again, whether it is found when a stanger holds conversation with you and you realize kindness really does exist or whether it be in looking up at the stars on a darker than dark night, you renew yourself when you renew your faith.

We all have periods of time that stretch longer than we feel necessary, but let those continuous moments build you into the strongest person you can be.
I once said, to be able to be the strongest you, you must allow yourself to get to your weakest weak. I am talking, weak beyond weak, you must be brittle to become chisel'd of stone. Lets the waves of storms crash upon you like the ocean waves break upon the sand, and as those waves break down the sand into finer molecules of sand, so will you be broken down, but fear not, for as you break into pieces you can use that to really understand what you are made up of.... once you see all the broke pieces there are of you, you will know, and even more better (don't correct my grammar, even mentally, don't correct it), you will understand the pieces of you, what you are composed of... how God wrote you to be and made you up of many pieces that lay shattered right now in this moment..... But once you understand how broken you can be, then you can build yourself with bonds forged from the hottest fires, like the samurai blade, ready to slice through the valleys of the deepest dark.

Beauty lay await in the little things... are you open


Merry Christmas, for Christ was born to show us how to love. Love one another

What I ve Learned....

The learning process is constant... And if you think differently then I suggest taking a good long deep look around you at the little things, the things you might have never even noticed. We need an open heart and open mind to understand that learning happens around us and to us every single day of our lives.... now it is whether you are open to let it mold you or if you are closed for business, that is the determining factor in whether or not we accept the learning process.

I am constantly learning, especially when I dont want to be... I find the things I am most set in my ways about are also the things that I could use a look from the other side of the sidewalk on.... It's tough to drop the pride, admit my view is not every view, and take a long walk in someone else's kicks/shoes.... But if you want to grow as a person, this is crucial to advancing your thought-process pallet.... Even when I think someone else is dead wrong - And I'm talking sky is blue type sh*t - It is nice for them to know that you have considered their side... even try to make a point for them, help their debate which in turn will command your debate to strengthen.... And when dealing with stubborn bull headed people, go look in the mirror because emotions evoke emotions and anger evokes anger so maybe, just maybe, you/I am sending out energy that demands in return the same - aka you are being wicked hard headed yourself - which I find myself to be more than occasionally.... This is not a bad thing.... Someone once said to me that when they see how hot-headed I got, that hot-headedness translated to them as passion... that blew me away because I had always just heard that I am hot-headed, which sounds like I have an anger problem, when at the end of an argument or debate - I can always hug it out and tell you I love you, which I feel is not constitutional of a anger issue... BUT I am a passionate person so when I feel something, I FEEL it with all my being. Thus, hot-headed for my side of the debate. I know like to consider myself passionate, which I have always been, it just took someone with a different view to reveal that to me...

Footprints

I got footprints on my face from being walked on so many times. It's ruthless. When my brother walked on me this time, I finally felt that release of not ever wanted to be walked on again. I pay for this kids cell phone, I helped him get into two different rehabs, I picked him up from the Emergency Room at 2 in the morning when he got picked up by EMT's and taken in an ambulance to the hospital because he drank himself close to death and passed out in the middle of the street, I bought him food, I gave him a roof over his head, I was an ear for him to talk to and a shoulder if he ever needed to lean on, (AND THIS WAS ALL IN THE ONE WEEK HE WAS HERE WHEN WE CAME BACK FROM MY MOMS FUNERAL) BUT he kept me in stone cold silence and let the booze do the talking for him. I know our life has been rough, yeah we lost both our parents wicked unexpectedly and it has been a traumatic existence at times BUT I do not believe that empowers anyone with the right to absolutely walk all over the ones who try to be closest to you. AT LEAST SAY SOMETHING. He says nothing to me, absolutely nothing, not even a hint to what hurts his soul. AND if he didnt want to talk with me, I also told him I would pay for him to speak with a therapist. But still nothing. I refuse to let this life make me think for even one second that I am a victim. Yes life is ruthless but when you start referring to yourself as a victim, you stop living life. This life owes NO ONE ANYTHING. You gotta get out there and make this life work for you. Adjust your attitude. Attitude is everything in this life. And even when life beats you down, kicks your a$$, and works you over (like sometimes I feel it has done to my family and me)... GET BACK UP AND GET READY FOR THE NEXT ROUND. You can't loose every round, and in fact the only reason we as humans know the feeling of joy is because we have encountered the presence of pain in our lives. It is true. The sunniest days are the ones that come right after the rain, it makes you appreciate how beautiful the sunny day is when you were entrenched in the rain.
I don't regret having footprints on my face, because they are the footprints of those I love. I just hope that I did enough to help them while I was able to give my help. I love my brother so much and I don't know exact reasons he hates me or uses me or walks on me BUT I love him nonetheless. I have to now take care of myself and hope and pray that he can find his way on the right path, the path that does not harm him or put him in moral, spiritual, or physical jeopardy.
If you pray please pray from him. My heart hurts bad, a pain so deep that healing seems irrational.

This Life is Raw

I figured out it's not worth trying to figure out certain things in this life. More it's how you roll with the punches, play the hand your dealt, get up when you get knocked down.
I might spin my wheels out burning the candle at both ends trying to decipher the things that happen, when I should be focused on my attitude to overcome these diversities.
I find that worrying is nothing more than burnt time, a less than well spent commitment that need be avoided to find my laborious efforts meaningful. I would be better off doing nothing than worrying. At least with nothing you have peace of mind.
I am determined to pave the way for others who struggle a bit more passionately than I do. I will be relentless in my Faith, my Hope, and my Heart. And decidedly so, I will lean on others when need be. A real trait of a Warrior with a Heart.

Once a while.

Once a while I think about the things that I miss out on today if my dad was still alive, I try not to think of it too much because it can really get me down, But I have to let my mind go there sometimes. And sometimes I let my mind wander and in my head I still talk to my dad, almost as if he is still here.
I know I am a guy, and guys shouldn't really give a rip about this stuff But I am going to be totally honest here... It makes me wicked sad to think about the future and getting married and my Pops not being there. I always thought I would have my dad there to give a small speech, to say something, But it crushes my heart to know that will never happen. The other thing that I really don't ever share is about my dad being there when I hopefully eventually some day have kids. I always wanted my pops to be there and share the moment with me like his dad had shared with him. And I always looked forward to hearing stories about when I was born and have my pops tell me about what he experienced when he first saw me. I try to keep those thoughts far away from everything because it can be so devastating to think about. I know that isn't usually considered guy stuff and it certainly isn't something I like to admit... but it's truth.
Things that I know I will never have the joy of experiencing... I tell myself it's okay when I know that it's really not. It's tough to not feel like I was cheated... But that is the hand I was dealt. No use in complaining about it. Just need to cope and move on.

This ain't Real

There will be moments during the day where the breeze will hit me right and my mind triggers a full fledged memory that is so realistic that it feels like I am re-living the moment. On a brisk autumn day when I am in the shade and it feels like it's summer's last breath and a cool breeze presses up against me, like a light switch turned on I loose myself in a daydream re-living the moments back at my pops house in the backyard when my dad was still alive. It is so realistic, it scares me. I can only relate it and convey it to you in a description like this... when they do flashbacks in movies, and the flashback is so vivid that it takes you a second to realize that the movie has jumped to a flashback because it cuts away so quick and seems so real... that is what it is like.

Second Chances & Co-Dependancy

I've made a lot of mistakes in my lifetime but some of those where what I would like to think of as "good mistakes". These mistakes were learning opportunities for me. I was only allowed to make them because I had much freedom through my teenage years. I was allowed to fall down, dust myself off, and get back up.
I am so thankful that I made it through without ending up in prison or dying.
And with me, I take a lot of life lessons that you can't learn any other way than going through these things.

This leads me to my thoughts on dependency. I work on being co-dependant with my brothers. When my father killed himself, there was an unspoken transformation that began inside me. Something in me felt a need to step up and become a role model, a father figure, a mentor to my younger brothers.
At the time, I was addicted to drugs and alcohol, a hot headed drunk who was more selfish than I would like to admit.
I knew that needed to change. I wanted to give my brothers someone to look up to. Someone to not tell them BUT Show them (this is very important to me - that you walk the walk and NOT just talk the talk), to show these young boys a prosperous (not necessarily monetary wise but in spirit) healthy dedicated way to live.
Now these boys have always and will always look up to my dad, and good reason to. My father built his own company from the ground up - starting out with himself, his brother (who passed away a few years later in a Drunk Driving accident), and his best friend. When talking to my family members about my dad, they explained to me that to start his own business, my dad would work during the day then come home at night to then work on his own business. Long days, hard work, tough hours. And did that for years to build up his own company with faith in himself to one day be his own boss. My dad was no stranger to hard work, and I'm talking tough rock breaking construction work. Hard as nails. I am proud of my dad and everything he did, worked for, taught me, and am fortunate to have known my dad for the short amount of time I had with him.
But later in all of our lives, there was one constant that I am not proud of.... the addiction... alcohol and other drugs. It tore my family to pieces, it ripped my friends away from me, and made me destructive.

I have heard a few good quotes about drugs and alcohol from people I trust...
Once you make your choice to use (alcohol, drugs) all your other choices are made.
What has alcohol/drugs ever given you? It takes relationships, friends, money, and all that is good... to leave you with nothing.

*Now, I understand that not everyone is an addict But for those of us who are - this is truth.

Now back to my thoughts on dependency... I wanted to be a solid role model for my brothers. And I knew the devastation that lived in their hearts from the loss of my pops. A hole nothing could fill, a loss so big that there was nothing that could comfort or ease the pain - And still after all this time, 6 years, the wound still feels fresh, I feel like we did not heal, we just learned to live with pain.

My relationship with my brothers was typical growing up - (except for the drugs) - we were three of a kind with all similar senses of humor, and still to this day, no one can make me laugh like my brothers can. Sometimes I feel like we are all twins but different ages... because, like twins will say that they know what the other is thinking or what the other is going to say - my brothers and I will do that... And seriously, there are times where I can look at my brothers and know what they are thinking. There are times when I can look at my brother in the eyes and we will just laugh because we know exactly what each other is thinking. There are also times where I look at my brothers eyes and I feel his pain, like it was my own, no different then if it had happened to me (whatever the pain source is).
I knew that my junkie a$$ was wrecking the relationship between me and my brothers. I was loosing their trust and gaining a reputation as unreliable... because my choice was made - I chose drugs.
But I didn't want that to be how my brothers looked up to me. I wanted them to have something good in their life, since all that was good seemed to disappear with the death of our pops. Within that same month, the lady that was dating my dad kicked my brothers out of THEIR home, the place they had lived their WHOLE life because this evil person was in charge.

I call her evil because she is, nothing short of evil, and the acts she still commits to this day are evil. I will get into that at a later date.

My brothers world was flipped up-side down and the next person to be there for them, was me, but I could not get my act together... unable to stay sober. And I realized I was self-medicating to numb the pain. And when people think that addicts are people with no conscience, I am here to tell you that is incorrect - or at least in my case - because the viscious cycle I would spin myself into would be caused from when I would see how much I hurt my family by my drug use, how I chose drugs over them, or the disappointment I could see in their eyes from watching my soul in torcher held hostage in an addicts jail cell.
I also soon realized that the road I walk is the one I pave... pave the way for them to walk. Not all the time, but if I walk it, they see it, and I was giving them an example that was deadly. So to be there for my brothers, to be there for myself... I would need to be sober. I would need to start working through my issues, need to start taking on my demons head on, grab the bull by the horns. This was so intimmadating that just the thought of this drove me to get some drugs and numb out.


Sober, the fight to get well... It happened, hard work paid off. I guess I am my father's son, my work ethic revealed itself when I fought for my life and got clean.
My sobriety story will be a blogspot, at a different date.

What I realized is that I stepped into the role my dad had held for so long. After I got clean, I became somewhat of a father figure to my brothers. Except I was not the man my dad was. My dad displayed patience, he listened, he was well thought out... I was an erratic newly clean twenty something year old who was trying to mend the shattered pieces of his life, but before myself I wanted to really truly help and heal my brothers. I took what I remembered from my dad, his well spoken words to me that when you listen to someone - you really need to listen what they are saying, not just hear what they are saying... And there is a difference, if you listen, it will bring understanding to what they are saying. You will see where they are coming from.
So what do I do... I was sometimes there to listen, sometimes there to advise, but always I was there. I wanted to be around my brothers. I wanted to go places with them and do things with them. I wanted them to be with me no matter what. And we did. We all moved in together. We bonded. And I thought we were on the path to healing.
What I did not realize is that they became my only priority, above all else, being near my brothers was my number one. People say you trade one addiction for another - which can happen, if you are not careful AND aware of your situation.
I needed them, more than they needed me. And I tried to be a father, something I was not, to them. What I start to think now, is they needed a brother, a best friend, someone to help them along. I was clouded even though I was sober. I was still a jerk at times and when they were deep in their addictions, that jerk would come out. The jerk was a front. A facade put on to keep myself protected. I was scared of real feelings, before getting clean I could hide from true emotion, I had a haven in the drugs. So now, all of these emotions were RAW. It was a tough thing for me to know the real pain behind my brothers eyes. And it scared me.

Just wanted to post this... remember in Braveheart, when William Wallace says "Every man dies, Not Every Man really Lives". That was wicked frickin awesome. My ADD kicked in and that came to me. Sorry but enjoy the quote, think about it.