Hope

Hope is something you find in a window looking at what you see....
Hope is something you search for in a conversation spoken humbly....
Hope is something you possess when everything is lost....
Hope is something people would give for, at any and all costs....
Hope is something dire and keeps the spirit alive.
Hope is something you always had, hidden deep inside.
Hope is when you walk along your kin on their way to school.
Hope is when you travel close to home, and rediscover something you knew.
Hope is a down and out player, making his comeback.
Hope is when you realize how beautiful the sky is, when your lying on your back.
Hope was always there, maybe you just didn't see.....
That Hope exists in all of us..... Not just you and me.


For my Auntie........ May you know how much I love you.

Freedom isnt Free

Freedom isn't Free
so whose making waves in the street
so who can occupy a city
To bleed the rich
To marry the poor
And the sound it makes is gritty
When you realize Freedom isn't Free.

Dark is Night

Slammed down in the mudd, entrenched in grief, despair would sound nice if that was an available feeling. This shell of a body walks aimless without hope, the most dangerous feeling to live without, and is nothing more than a shell. A hollow brittle shell, ready to crack open, and echo silence. Fear is not an option, but somehow death seems viable. Almost becoming more and more welcome when understanding how guiltless the freedom must be to leave this hollow shell. Dissension holds court in this burdened vessel. A greedy wrath so diabolic even wicked thoughts shutter and stumble when trying to come to fruition.

Second Place

I have figured out something about myself...... I can't stand feeling like someone is choosing booze over me..... I know its because I grew up around/dealing with alcoholism my entire life..... So, if there is one thing that I do not ever want to compete with.... it's booze. I will submit and say "go booze but leave me be"..... I feel like I have worked hard enough in my life to get to the point where I should not have to have that in my life, or should never have to feel like I come in second place to boozing/partying. I feel like I should be able to have people who make me feel wanted, not make me feel like after the party is over and they had their fill and the booze is gone, then they want me. I don't believe anyone should have to feel like that..... And I know the sad thing is, a lot of people accept that as their fate.... When they should be sick and tired of feeling like second place, especially to alcohol.... Alcohol ruins people and takes everything from addicts.... alcohol never gives, it doesn't improve relationships, it doesn't help but it does love to hinder...... And once my therapist laid it down for me real sh*t style.... She said alcohol has taken so much from you, why don't you dislike it...... Then listing the things it ripped from my life..... And I know not everyone is an alcoholic but I do know that anyone who has ever drank/got drunk has maybe possibly experienced having to apologize the next morning for something said/did that wouldn't have been done minus the booze. I just feel like I want to be surrounded by people who refuse to let anyone they love/know feel like second place to booze.


Show Love.

Warriors

I felt compelled to have a talk with my roommate the other day, before Christmas, on Christmas Eve actually. I felt compelled because I felt his actions and words and energy had been so detramental (spelling) to my family (meaning my brothers).
A few weeks back, he told my brother that he was not celebrating Christmas (I hold no grudge with this). He also shared that he stopped believing in God (I do hold grudge with this, but only because I have lived with this kid for years now, 24 hours a day 7 days a week and my feelings on this will be addressed at a later point). But I truly and honestly believe that this is America and everyone can have their own beliefs or non-beliefs.... it's what makes this Nation the greatest one in history. I try to hold that notion of a Nation as part of my core values, but I also feel like I can have my beliefs and they should not be impeded on as well.
So where my hurt began was when my brother came to me to share that this is what our roommate had said to him. I know my brother well. I know that this had done something to him, hearing this stuff from an older kid, someone who is supposed to help pave the way and show right from wrong..... And yes we are all adults but I still strongly believe that no matter how old we get, we are all still like children on the inside and we all look up to older people for guidance or whatevahhh it be.

Now let me set the stage a little for what this hurt me so deeply..... I will not reveal everything but some.... My brothers and I lost our mother, unexpectedly and in my mind tragically. This is our first Christmas with out her and no matter which one of us says that it hasnt been tough or that both our parents being dead isnt affecting them at Christmas time, well, it is, no matter what they say, it sucks and its wicked rough and this being the first Christmas with both our parents dead, well, there was a deep sadness in all our hearts no matter what words come out, this sadness was so deep that to the untrained eye, you would not see it.

That being said, there have been MANY other struggles as of recent, ones I do not want to go into.... But one thing I count on is my friends and family to help be there, just be a form of support through these rough and rugged times. Which I must say, my friends and fam have been nothing short of miracle workers at times and at other times have always been there to if only give a hug when needed. And yes, being 2000 miles away is tougher than sh*t, especially when you just want to go give them a hug and pyshically (spelling) be with them and you cant - f*ckin sucks... no getting around that one.... But they have done the best with a bad situation like my brothers and I have tried to do. And phone calls are placed, texts are sent and the social networking is in full effect to let one another know that no matter what, we are there for each other.
So back to the story....
I knew that this irked my brother hearing from our roommate that he not only would not be celebrating Christmas but that he stopped his belief in God. Now when I hear that, I say okay, man that is tough because I have heard form this roommates lips that he know there is God and how wonderful God is and that he put his faith and trust in the Lord, so to out of the blue have him say this..... was odd. But okay, I can get along with that. Where I can't let it slide is when you are telling that to someone who is going through the roughest patch of sh*t storm that they have been through in there life.... This is a 24 year old who lost both his parents tragically and is having one of the hardest times in life right now, and can no deal with it or does not know how to yet... And BTW who has been leaning on God to get him through this storm..... SO OKAY, WICKED INCONSIDERATE. But I know this, my roommate can be a miserable person and on occasion likes to bring people into his misery. THAT IS WHERE I TAKE A STAND AND WILL NOT ALLOW MY BLOOD, MY BROTHER, TO BE DRAGGED INTO THIS KIDS MISERY AND SH*T THAT HE HIMSELF HAS CREATED FOR HIMSELF.
Now to speed up the story, my roommate also received Christmas cards form loved ones and money from his mother which he sent the christmas cards back to them and HE SAYS he told his mom to take the money back.... This is not my business but I felt compelled to speak up for this kids family who was just doing nice gestures for him because they obviously know something is not right with him if he is saying this kind of stuff. So I tell him that he might wnat to think and look at things from his moms point of view and consider their feelings in all this. I said, you sending those cards back is like a slap in their face. And I know it aint my business but I know his mom and she is a hard working good woman who loves her son. I told him that I WISH I WISH I WISH I could just tell my mom I love her this Christmas but I cant because my mom is dead. And that he, EVEN IF HE DOESNT BELIEVE IN GOD OR WANT TO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS, AT LEAST AT LEAST AT LEAST BE GRATEFUL AND APPRECIATIVE THAT YOUR MOTHER LOVES YOU AND IS SENDING YOU MONEY!!!!! I am so upset over this because this kid walks around sometimes in this pity party for himself when he sees what I have been going through and how bad life can really be sometimes, And I FEEL he takes so much for granted. I explained to him, that at least your mom sends you money, I had to pay for my mom for the last few years to get her a cell phone and keep it on, to help keep her heat on, and if I wanted to see her I had to help pay for her ticket to come out here....... So I tell him to consider himself one step ahead of the game because his mom is AT LEAST SENDING HIM MONEY. And I told him I felt like he was being a dick by telling her to take it back. I feel so badly like he doesnt realize how awesome that is that his mom loves him enough and cares enough to send him a little something for Christmas. WTF MAN!!!!
Now my point in saying all this to him was that he was WICKED F*CKING INCONSIDERATE to my brothers by rubbing this sh*t in their faces.... they just lost their mom and your telling them all about how mad you are that your mom sent you money. WHAT A F*CKIN JERK. DOOOOD DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THEY ARE STRUGGLING WITH THE FACT THAT THEIR MOM JUST DIED and that they have to cope somehow just to get through this Christmas..... And this kid has the balls to complain about his mom sending him a card and money, TO THEM! HE SAID THIS SH*T TO MY BROTHERS! I was irate. I just wanted to consideration that this is a rough time for us and keep it to yourself if the worst thing you are complaining about it getting a gift from your mom. Dude, you sound spoiled..... is what I told him.
And this kids has known us, and my parents, so its not some stranger who doesnt know what is happening in our life.... the kid lives with us.


I dont mean to go off but it hurts me so deeply to see how unappreciative some people can be sometimes. I don't get it. And I know I am not supposed to get it. But I will NEVER let some kid try to pull my family backwards in this life. I WILL ALWAYS AND FOREVER HELP MY BROTHERS TO STRIVE FORWARD AND TO BE THANKFUL FOR THE LITTLE THINGS AND KNOW THAT EVEN THROUGH ALL WE HAVE BEEN, WE ARE STILL BLESSED TO HAVE EACH OTHER. And if this kid wants to throw himself a miserable pity party over NOTHING, then he's gotta keep it to himself because my brothers will not be victims.... We are WARRIORS. And we will continue to go forward to help others and show love.

Beauty in Little Things

From "conversations" to "find a penny pick it up".... Beauty lay silent in the little things in life. Having a deep conversation to realizing you love someone.

Sometimes beauty lays await.

When you loose your faith, find beauty in that, a cold blustery blistful dark traumatic thing holds beauty.... the Beauty in loosing your faith is that one day you will find it again, whether it is found when a stanger holds conversation with you and you realize kindness really does exist or whether it be in looking up at the stars on a darker than dark night, you renew yourself when you renew your faith.

We all have periods of time that stretch longer than we feel necessary, but let those continuous moments build you into the strongest person you can be.
I once said, to be able to be the strongest you, you must allow yourself to get to your weakest weak. I am talking, weak beyond weak, you must be brittle to become chisel'd of stone. Lets the waves of storms crash upon you like the ocean waves break upon the sand, and as those waves break down the sand into finer molecules of sand, so will you be broken down, but fear not, for as you break into pieces you can use that to really understand what you are made up of.... once you see all the broke pieces there are of you, you will know, and even more better (don't correct my grammar, even mentally, don't correct it), you will understand the pieces of you, what you are composed of... how God wrote you to be and made you up of many pieces that lay shattered right now in this moment..... But once you understand how broken you can be, then you can build yourself with bonds forged from the hottest fires, like the samurai blade, ready to slice through the valleys of the deepest dark.

Beauty lay await in the little things... are you open


Merry Christmas, for Christ was born to show us how to love. Love one another

What I ve Learned....

The learning process is constant... And if you think differently then I suggest taking a good long deep look around you at the little things, the things you might have never even noticed. We need an open heart and open mind to understand that learning happens around us and to us every single day of our lives.... now it is whether you are open to let it mold you or if you are closed for business, that is the determining factor in whether or not we accept the learning process.

I am constantly learning, especially when I dont want to be... I find the things I am most set in my ways about are also the things that I could use a look from the other side of the sidewalk on.... It's tough to drop the pride, admit my view is not every view, and take a long walk in someone else's kicks/shoes.... But if you want to grow as a person, this is crucial to advancing your thought-process pallet.... Even when I think someone else is dead wrong - And I'm talking sky is blue type sh*t - It is nice for them to know that you have considered their side... even try to make a point for them, help their debate which in turn will command your debate to strengthen.... And when dealing with stubborn bull headed people, go look in the mirror because emotions evoke emotions and anger evokes anger so maybe, just maybe, you/I am sending out energy that demands in return the same - aka you are being wicked hard headed yourself - which I find myself to be more than occasionally.... This is not a bad thing.... Someone once said to me that when they see how hot-headed I got, that hot-headedness translated to them as passion... that blew me away because I had always just heard that I am hot-headed, which sounds like I have an anger problem, when at the end of an argument or debate - I can always hug it out and tell you I love you, which I feel is not constitutional of a anger issue... BUT I am a passionate person so when I feel something, I FEEL it with all my being. Thus, hot-headed for my side of the debate. I know like to consider myself passionate, which I have always been, it just took someone with a different view to reveal that to me...